Waiting game can suck it!

Just as I was starting to accept things as they are and prepare myself to move on, I get a phone call from him. There is a power that cannot be explained that he has when he opens his mouth to speak. I become weak and immediately let me guard down. Every day that passes, I get a little stronger and miss him a little bit less, or so I thought, because as soon as he spoke, all of that went out of the window and I miss him more than ever before! The conversation went pretty good, and he is actually going to come over on Saturday, which will be roughly a month and a half since I have seen him. I am excited to see him and for him to see me. I am about 8 pounds away from losing a total of 50! I just hope and pray that it goes smoothly and that God is with me and gives me the same strength and wisdom as he did the last time. He is coming over to see our dog, so I assume that the time I spend with him will be short which would actually be preferred so that emotions don’t run too high and a fight doesn’t break out. But with all of that being said, I am even more confused than before. He said something that really stuck with me, he said “It’s been almost a month since I have heard your voice”. He could have said it’s almost been a month since I talked to you, but heard your voice gave it an honest quality to it that he may actually miss me. That made me miss him more and gave me a glimmer of hope that he may be thinking of coming back. He also asked me if we had kids, would I prevent him from seeing them the same way he thinks I am preventing him from seeing our dog, and that pissed me off! I would like to think that if we had kids, he would have never cheated to begin with, and that he would have given some effort into making our marriage work instead of giving up like he did! Really, all I want at this point is a decision! If he wants to come back, that would make me so incredibly happy and would give me something to work towards and on. I could put all of my efforts into making the marriage work and focus my mind on that. If he really is done, than I want him to file paperwork so I can finally move on and get into that mind frame. I am so tired of being in limbo, and I am done putting my life on hold! I want to be married and have children. I am not young anymore, and I hate sitting here wasting time. My best friend just found out she is having twins, and while I am ecstatic for her, that was my dream, to be married with twins on the way, and I am so tired of watching my dreams fall further and further away! I deserve to be happy and have my dreams come true as well! So I am praying that this weekend gives me clarity or a direction.