Some things never change

Today is a bit of a rough day for me. I am just going through so many different emotions and thoughts that I had to get off my chest. I am having a hard time comprehending everything that has happened. I still don’t know how my life got so out of control and changed so drastically. Four months ago I was happy, truly happy. I had a great job that I love going to, My mom finally left to start her life and she was happy, I had a wonderful and loving husband that I loved spending time with, we were going through fertility treatments to start our family, we have a wonderful house that we purchased, and we had wonderful friends that we were always doing things with. Fast forward to today, and I still have that same wonderful job and friends, but lost everything else. I went from being truly happy to utterly miserable! In an instant, all of my dreams vanished! I had said for a long time that I wanted to be pregnant before I turned 28. As it approached, I realized that it wasn’t going to happen, but I had it in my heart that we would have our Christmas miracle and get pregnant then. He was on fertility treatments that I truly believed would work and I just knew we would get pregnant. I was robbed of that dream! I didn’t even get a chance, and now I sit back watching everyone I know getting knocked up and it hurts! That is all I have ever wanted was to have a family! A husband who loved and cherished me, and children that filled our house and hearts with love and joy! Instead, I get an empty house, empty bed, and an empty heart! I hate sitting back and watching everyone’s dreams come true. It is extremely selfish, and I know that, but those are my honest feelings! I am also extremely irritated with my marriage right now as I feel like I am back in high school. When I was 12, I met this wonderful person who was the first boy to show any interest in me. We became best friends and I fell in love with him. When I say love, I mean the first love kind of love. I have come to know true love and with that came the realization that what I probably felt for him was lust. In any case, I fell for him. He was the type of person who liked to show off for large groups of people, but when we were alone, he was incredible. We had such a wonderful friendship and though I expressed my feelings to him, it always remained a friendship. It was extremely confusing because when we were alone, we acted as though we were more. We went to the movies and cuddled together in the chairs and held hands. We would lay in bed together just talking, talk for hours on the phone, and were nearly inseparable. I prayed every night that we would end up together. I plotted little scenarios in my head of how I could get him to see me in that way, or get him to change his mind. I put so much effort into trying to win him over that I pretty much forgot who I was or that others existed. It became an obsession. I didn’t have a lot going for me, but he gave me so much attention and made me feel good that I decided that there was no one else. So for about 6 years, I followed him around like a puppy and exhausted every option I had in this crusade. Then I met my husband and everything else changed. It wasn’t until just recently that I found out my first love was actually gay. I share that story because I feel like I have ended back in that same place and it makes me ill! Here I am, planning little scenarios in my head on how I can win my husband back. Praying every day and night that he comes back to me. Trying to figure out what drastic changes I can make, what profound words I can say, and what plans I can make to make him love me again and give our marriage a second chance. In reality, I am as helpless now as I was then. No matter what I do, or what I say, it is not changing anything and I feel just as foolish and pathetic as I did then! I don’t want to go through life chasing someone who won’t change. It’s not healthy and all it will do is hurt me in the long run. I want to live life, I want someone who doesn’t want to play games and who will love me and treat me the way I deserve. I want my happily ever after. I know it won’t be like a true fairy tale as everything in life takes work, but I know for damn sure that I do not want to fall back to my old ways and waste time chasing someone who doesn’t want me. I haven’t given up on my marriage, but I do believe that if it is truly over, I will be okay. I will be happy one day, and I will have my dreams come true!