Not what it used to be

Feeling so confused and frustrated lately. I sat down last night before bed and wrote an entry on my phones notepad. It made me feel better to get my feelings out, but then it opened the door to more thinking and processing more of my feelings. I will share my thoughts last night before I get into my thoughts that followed.

Today was “her” birthday and I can't help but to think about all the ways he probably was there for her today and all he did for her today, but on my birthday, I got nothing! How can my husband treat me like complete an utter shit and give his love and attention to someone else?! I wonder if he did all of the things with her that he did with me. Did he wish her happy birthday at midnight? Did he get her a card and flowers? Did they do dinner together? Did he spend the day with her? Did he shower her with gifts and praise? All of these things are driving me crazy!! How could he hurt me this badly? He has to know that this is killing me, but it doesn't seem to be enough! I am tired of this! I used to dream about his return, his kiss, his touch, his smile, but now, I dream of meeting a man who will treat me right! I dream of dating, flirting, sharing firsts with someone who thinks I am worth something! I dream of a new life filled with love, happiness, a future, and children. As time passes, the image of him slowly fades from those dreams. How long does he expect me to hold on?! If he is truly done, then let me go, don't keep me here praying and waiting everyday for a return that will never happen! After all the pain and heartache he caused, that is the least he could do! Either that or be a man, admit your mistakes and come back, but decide!!

After I wrote that, I had the overwhelming rush of sadness. Not the sadness that I have grown used to, but sadness that I am not missing him nearly as much as I used to. Going to bed at night used to be painful as I no longer had a husband to sleep next to, but now, I enjoy getting into bed and reading or listening to music alone. I feel my life getting into a routine that no longer includes him. It seems like those days spent with him are becoming such a distant memory, and now seem a little foreign. I feel like I may be transitioning into the closure phase. I am not necessarily giving up on us, but I don’t feel the need to keep pursuing it either. I guess I have fully given it to God, I feel at peace.