Standing my guard

I have always had this finite sense of justice, it’s pretty much been with me since I could remember. If I felt like something was not right or fair, you were going to hear about it and I was going to make it right. As a child, you don’t have a lot of say in things, and what you thought was fair may not be so in the eyes of a parent, or to everyone else for that matter! That is why as a child, I could not wait to grow up. I just knew that everything was going to be fair and as it should be. I was convinced that I could live off of a $600 a month budget surviving off of Cheetos and apple juice, and the occasional splurge of cookie dough! I envisioned this wonderful life complete with the perfect man and an adult career all balanced out with 6 children! In my world, everyone was treated with respect and no one cheated to get ahead. Love was love and there was nothing that could break that. As I got older, I realized that I have just as much power to make things fair as I did when I was a child. I am merely a piece in this game of life and I have to go along with things no matter how unfair or unjust as they may seem. I am still bound and determined to have certain things my way, but it’s not really working out so far!

One of the most unfair things which also happens to be the one where I have the least amount of control is in a relationship. I know this phrase is a little off putting to some. Why would someone want to have control? Come on! If you don’t think you are controlling in a relationship, you are a lying fool! Everyone wants to have a little bit of control! It’s the person you are that determines how much! I have come to find out that I can be quite a bit controlling! I am trying desperately to rein this in. It’s just like cleaning, I know that no one will clean it as good as I do, so why not take over the project. I think this is where most of it comes from. I feel like I have infinite knowledge on relationships and life in general, so why shouldn’t I just take over? Hahaha, yeah, now I’m the fool! But I like to pretend this is true! I think that having control in a relationship over certain things is a good thing. Where you have weaknesses, it’s better for someone with those strengths to jump in and take over, therefore, controlling that part of the relationship. This control really took over when my ex-husband cheated and left me. Everything that I thought I knew went up in smoke. I was hurt beyond measure and the worst part was that I was so vulnerable and completely blindsided! I swore to myself that it would never happen again. I would always be guarded and aware of what was going on. This statement itself is absurdly crazy! It is unfair to let something that happened in a previous relationship affect a new relationship. But, this is how it’s been so far. I am trying to let what happened go and open myself up and not be so guarded, but it is just too hard. I fear everything and my insecurities consume me. I find it nearly impossible to trust.

I know the values in a relationship that I hold high, and I know the expectations that I put on a relationship, and they are very simple but are very necessary. I want someone who is loyal, honest, trustworthy, kind, and someone who can communicate, show patience and understanding, and who accepts me and loves me for me. I don’t feel it’s too demanding, nor is it too much to ask. Then there are the things that are just common sense and don’t need to be talked about. It seems that those things come up and bite me in the ass constantly! Boundaries is one of them! If you are in a committed relationship, it should be common sense not to give your number out to a woman without communication to the partner. If she is truly a friend, then it needs to be presented in that way. Communicating that you have this friend that you want to give your number to so you can shit talk about work, or what have you, is better than saying nothing at all and giving it away without regard to that partner. A friendship shouldn’t be hidden. Messages should be able to be read in front of others as well as phone conversations. The minute you lie or hide anything about that person, it turns nothing into something. You have now crossed a boundary that you should have never been near! I don’t know why this is a hard concept to grasp or why I keep coming into contact with this scenario! Am I being completely unreasonable? I just don’t get it. But I will not be the fool that excuses this behavior. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! I will not go through what I just went through again! I won’t be as guarded in this relationship, but I am a hell of a lot smarter this time around and not nearly as gullible or naive. I don’t need that kind of disrespect or dishonesty in my life, and that is my sense of justice! You want to act like that, take a hike, you are not for me!

Let the good times roll!

Yesterday, D and I celebrated being together for 6 months with dinner at The Elephant Bar and going to see Pacific Rim in IMAX 3D….not exactly the romantic night in Denver that we planned, but that was put off for a couple of weeks. We ended up having a wonderful night! It’s crazy to think about the fact that we have been dating for 6 months! It feels so short yet feels like I have known him for years! We get along so well it’s ridiculous! This is the happiest I have been in a very long time! It was such a wonderful feeling yesterday to sit a reflect on the past 6 months and how drastically my life has changed. I was a broken woman who felt nearly worthless and really had no hope that anyone would take interest. Here I am, 6 months later, feeling more love, passion, romance, and confidence then I could have imagined. Things aren’t perfect, and we are far from perfect, but who is perfect?! I am having so much fun with him and the big things that really bothered me are working themselves out, and that makes me care less and less about the little things. I really wondered if I was in this relationship for the right reasons, or did I just go with the first person that showed me attention. And the absolute honest answer is both. I went on a few dates with him because he was the only one out of the group of guys on the site that was worth anything and showed me attention. But he turned out to be one of the biggest and best surprises of my life! I never imagined that I could have felt this way about him! I am really excited to see where this goes….I really have hopes for us! Things seem to be working out, so I am going to roll with it and hope that the good keeps on coming!

I can see clearly now....

It has certainly been a while since I had an update. Things have been going wonderfully well! Last Friday, I had the closing on my house, so I am officially the sole owner of my home! It is such a great feeling....very liberated, very peaceful, very grateful! When everything happened, I felt like my world was turned upside down and I was losing everything...I could feel it slipping away from me. To be in this moment, nearly 10 months since it happened, I still can't believe that this is my life, but more importantly, I can't believe that I actually got to keep something I worked my ass off for! It was very gratifying! For the most part, I am getting over what happened, getting over him, and breaking through my emotions. I definitely still have moments where it's difficult, but I am allowing those to happen, it's a process and it will take time, but I am proud of where I am and what I have overcome. Yesterday, my friend who started work where I work took me out to lunch and we discussed a dinner that she had just had with my ex-husband. Curious, I asked how he and the mistress acted toward each other. She said that they shared inside jokes but didn't hold hand, there was no touching, and she said that he didn't compliment her the way he would me! That right there helped me out tremendously. I got that...I got the hand holding, the touching, the compliments, the look of love...I got it all! They act more like friends then lovers! It was gratifying to know that I got the best years of him and she gets this! He is such a different person than he was when we were married, and she gets this broken down mess of a person, who for the most part, settled for fear of being alone! Meanwhile, I get to spend my time with a man who truly loves me. What I have with D has been by far more passionate, more intense, and immensely more happy then it has with my ex-husband! It is so strange! I have only been dating D for 6 months but it feels like I have known him my whole life. It's been insane how fast things have progressed, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world! Every day, I fall more in love with him. The things that worried me before have been working themselves out and I have been taking time discover our relationship and have been making a solid effort to not make the same mistakes that my ex and I made. I will not take him for granted, I will pick my battles, I will respect his wishes, I will always be there for love and support...but I will not be walked over, I will make my wishes and wants known, I won't be taken advantage of, I will not have him move in with me until he proves he can handle financial responsibilities, and I will not be disrespected! I really love the place I am in right now, and although it may be difficult, I am having a blast getting to know myself and building this fantastic relationship! I finally feel like things are looking up and this season of pain and despair is nearly over!

On the road to recovery

I started reading a book that was suggested to me and lent to me by D’s roommate. It’s called Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk. I am only a quarter of the way through it, but after I read a passage from it, it completely changed my perspective on things. A short synopsis on the book so far….a woman who was a model was in a car accident where someone shot through her window and the bullet mangled her face which included removing her jaw. She spent a lot of time in the hospital recovering, but in one fell swoop, she lost her identity, her career, her fiancé, her voice, her beauty, her friends, and ultimately, the life she knew. She gets out of the hospital and upon her first outing, a child calls her a monster…this spurs her breakdown where she ends up back at the hospital and into the room of a woman recovering. She scribbles everything she lost and is mourning over on a pad of paper. The woman reads it and tells her to write it down all night, tell her the story repetitively until she realizes that it is no longer happening to her, it’s done and over with, and when she realizes that and throws the paper away, she can put it in her past and begin to rebuild her life. That really hit home with me! In one fell swoop, I lost my husband, my security, my confidence and self-esteem, my love, my best friend, my future, my marriage, and ultimately, the life I knew. I keep reliving it over and over. I dwell on what has happened and what I have lost. I still mourn and cry over it. I have to stop. I have to realize that it’s over. No amount of ‘what if’s’ or replaying it over and over is going to change anything. It happened, but it’s done. It was awful and unimaginable, but it’s over. It’s time to crumple that paper up and throw it away. I am rebuilding my life and I don’t need this thing holding me back! I feel liberated for the first time!

Oh the possibilities

Sitting at work feeling antsy… could be because I have had a 3-day weekend back to back the last 2 weeks and now I am feeling like this work week is going soooo slow and it’s only Tuesday! Memorial day weekend was amazing! D and I took advantage of my friends empty house in Manitou and it was beyond wonderful! It was nice to just be with each other in complete privacy, have no schedule and just be able to enjoy our company. We arrived at the house in the early afternoon and celebrated with a glass of wine and some fun! We ended up napping for a few hours and awaking to more fun and then a tour of Manitou. We walked around, shopped, played in the arcade, talked next to the little stream and enjoyed the weather. We had a nice romantic dinner, wandered back to the house for more wine and conversation. It had to have been one of the best days I have ever had. At this point, it was safe to say that I have fallen in love with this boy. It was wonderful to have a day filled with such passion, a day where we could just talk and get to know each other better, a day about just us. The best part was that there was no arguing. I had never had a romantic getaway where there was no arguing. With my ex, we argued constantly. We even argued on our honeymoon. I loved how carefree we were and how into each other we were. It was simply amazing! We finished out the weekend by spending time with D’s family and getting to know them which was pretty cool. There are a bunch of crazy connections with his family, it’s so strange. I went to middle school with one of his sisters and the other sister has a child with a guy I went to middle school and high school with. His family is definitely interesting but sweet none the less. I had fun getting to know them and seeing D around the kids.

This last weekend was pretty great as well, but not without its challenges. I had Friday off, so we planned to spend the day together just like last weekend and take advantage of the empty house and enjoy the last weekend before D started his new job. A conversation that we had earlier in the week got brought up. Last week, D and I were laying in bed and were talking about things we want. He looked at me and said that he didn’t realize how badly I wanted children until he saw me starring at some pregnant women at an event we went to last weekend. He asked me what my timeline would be. I told him that I would like to have my first child before I turned 30, so ideally, it would be pretty soon. He then asked me what my reaction would be if I found out I was pregnant right now. I told him that I would be scared but for the most part I would be ecstatic. He said he would feel the exact same. So he posed the hypothetical ‘what if we were to stop the protection and just see what happens’ question. I was stunned and speechless. I told him I would have to give it thought. Fast forward to Friday….I told him that I thought about what he said and that before I could comfortably do something like that, I would want to know that he could have a relationship with his children. I have been trying to get him to reconnect with his 5 year old daughter since we started dating, and it really bothers me that he doesn’t have that relationship. I can’t begin to understand what happened between him and the mom to want to separate himself especially since it obviously kills him to do it, but I told him that he should fight with all he has to be in her life. We had a long talk about it that resulted in a huge argument but ultimately got us to really understand each other and him to take charge and take the appropriate steps to get back into her life. I was really proud of him and it really made me see him in a different light. It also made me really consider his offer. I was going to go the route of a donor in about 6-8 months, so why not entertain the possibility of D. I am still considering it, but will need to see improvement before I actually decide. Ultimately, I know that if I am blessed with a child by whatever means that it happens, that child will have more love in its life than it could ever know. I would do anything to have a child and I will do anything for that child. At this point in my life, I am ready for my life to continue and I want these things to happen. I am nearly a solo homeowner, I have a great job, and I am going to work like hell to have a family. Screw the traditional family, tried it and it didn’t work! I just want to be happy! I really feel in my heart that I could be happy, truly happy soon. I really love D and could see us being a quirky family some day. But really, who knows, I thought things were all figured out in my life and that didn’t turn out like I thought. All I can do is live in the moment and plan as best I can for the future and pray it all works out the way it is supposed to!

Sending out bad karma

I experienced a new level of pain yesterday as I learned that my soon to be ex-husband is going to be moving into a condo in the next month with the woman he cheated on me with. I know that it is over between us, but I want him to live a miserable and shitty life feeling just half of the pain that he has caused me. I don’t want him to live with her and those kids. It absolutely disgusts me! I really shouldn't feel this way since I am pretty much sending out bad karma, but I don't give a fuck! What’s worse is that he insists on taking our dog just because he can, which wouldn’t bother me, if he was going to do what he said and have a back yard for the dog. We have a lab/great dane mix and he wants to take him from a big backyard to a small condo where there is no place for him to run or somewhere he can be outside! He is so unbelievable selfish! I guess I should have expected this kind of behavior from him. He is so childish and relies on others. There is no way he could live alone. He doesn’t know how to be independent and craves attention too much! Hearing that news took me by surprise and made me feel ill, but all in all, I guess I am glad it worked out like it did! Maybe living together with this vile woman and the kids will kill his romantic/family fantasy! One can only hope! Beyond that, things are going good. I am gearing up for Memorial Day weekend and excited to spend the day in Manitou with D! Not only do I have Monday off, but I also took next Friday off! So stoked! Hopefully I can get all of my house stuff in order and catch up on some Mad Men and enjoy this wonderful weather! I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday weekend!

Looking up

Went back and reread my previous entry and realize how very emo that post was. I have to remind myself that I am allowed those day and not to get embarrassed by them. This week, things are going really well, and I have a much better attitude then I did. I am getting ready for my 10 year high school reunion. At first I was a little apprehensive about going because I feel that in the last 10 years, I really have nothing to show for it except for a house. My marriage failed, I weigh the same, and I have no children. But then I realized just how much I have changed as a person, and that is almost more impressive to me than a successful marriage. I am strong, independent, friendly, outgoing, personable, charming, witty, funny, and I know who I am in my life. I know the things I want, and I will get them one day. I will not apologize for anything that I am not nor the things that I do not have. Life dealt me some shitty cards, but I have become a better person for them. So I am going to rock it at the reunion!

The divorce process is coming to an end. I went in to sign the agreement for who gets what, and am pretty happy with the results of that. I got to keep the house along with 90% of the furnishings inside. I am so appreciative that I got to keep the house. It isn't anything extraordinary, but I am so proud to be a homeowner and do improvements on something that is all mine! I am a very lucky lady! With that comes the fact that I will now be poor, or house poor as they say, but I welcome that! My mom is still living with my for the time being to help with bills until I can get a bit more stable, but also while she gets stronger and healthier. I very much look forward to the day when I live on my own, I will officially feel like an adult!

Relationship with D got a little rocky there for a while....I was in my head again and trying to sort some things out and that inadvertently pushed some issues to the surface and pushed us apart just a little. I took some time this week to really think about things and came to the conclusion that I over think things! I need to stop over analyzing everything he and I do, stop worrying that he will cheat on me or hurt me, and just have fun! That is what I really got into dating for anyway! Now that he has a job that he will be starting in a few weeks, I think things are going to work themselves out. For now, I am just going to relish in the fact that I have a man who adores me, thinks I am sexy, treats me like a queen in the bedroom, and is an all around fun and remarkable person. I am lucky for that and just have to keep reminding myself that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I am excited for next weekend....my friend is leaving for vacation and offered up her house for the weekend. She lives in Manitou and D absolutely loves it there, so I am sure it will be a really fun weekend! At the very least, it will be nice to have complete privacy! I think things are finally looking up!