Standing my guard

I have always had this finite sense of justice, it’s pretty much been with me since I could remember. If I felt like something was not right or fair, you were going to hear about it and I was going to make it right. As a child, you don’t have a lot of say in things, and what you thought was fair may not be so in the eyes of a parent, or to everyone else for that matter! That is why as a child, I could not wait to grow up. I just knew that everything was going to be fair and as it should be. I was convinced that I could live off of a $600 a month budget surviving off of Cheetos and apple juice, and the occasional splurge of cookie dough! I envisioned this wonderful life complete with the perfect man and an adult career all balanced out with 6 children! In my world, everyone was treated with respect and no one cheated to get ahead. Love was love and there was nothing that could break that. As I got older, I realized that I have just as much power to make things fair as I did when I was a child. I am merely a piece in this game of life and I have to go along with things no matter how unfair or unjust as they may seem. I am still bound and determined to have certain things my way, but it’s not really working out so far!

One of the most unfair things which also happens to be the one where I have the least amount of control is in a relationship. I know this phrase is a little off putting to some. Why would someone want to have control? Come on! If you don’t think you are controlling in a relationship, you are a lying fool! Everyone wants to have a little bit of control! It’s the person you are that determines how much! I have come to find out that I can be quite a bit controlling! I am trying desperately to rein this in. It’s just like cleaning, I know that no one will clean it as good as I do, so why not take over the project. I think this is where most of it comes from. I feel like I have infinite knowledge on relationships and life in general, so why shouldn’t I just take over? Hahaha, yeah, now I’m the fool! But I like to pretend this is true! I think that having control in a relationship over certain things is a good thing. Where you have weaknesses, it’s better for someone with those strengths to jump in and take over, therefore, controlling that part of the relationship. This control really took over when my ex-husband cheated and left me. Everything that I thought I knew went up in smoke. I was hurt beyond measure and the worst part was that I was so vulnerable and completely blindsided! I swore to myself that it would never happen again. I would always be guarded and aware of what was going on. This statement itself is absurdly crazy! It is unfair to let something that happened in a previous relationship affect a new relationship. But, this is how it’s been so far. I am trying to let what happened go and open myself up and not be so guarded, but it is just too hard. I fear everything and my insecurities consume me. I find it nearly impossible to trust.

I know the values in a relationship that I hold high, and I know the expectations that I put on a relationship, and they are very simple but are very necessary. I want someone who is loyal, honest, trustworthy, kind, and someone who can communicate, show patience and understanding, and who accepts me and loves me for me. I don’t feel it’s too demanding, nor is it too much to ask. Then there are the things that are just common sense and don’t need to be talked about. It seems that those things come up and bite me in the ass constantly! Boundaries is one of them! If you are in a committed relationship, it should be common sense not to give your number out to a woman without communication to the partner. If she is truly a friend, then it needs to be presented in that way. Communicating that you have this friend that you want to give your number to so you can shit talk about work, or what have you, is better than saying nothing at all and giving it away without regard to that partner. A friendship shouldn’t be hidden. Messages should be able to be read in front of others as well as phone conversations. The minute you lie or hide anything about that person, it turns nothing into something. You have now crossed a boundary that you should have never been near! I don’t know why this is a hard concept to grasp or why I keep coming into contact with this scenario! Am I being completely unreasonable? I just don’t get it. But I will not be the fool that excuses this behavior. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! I will not go through what I just went through again! I won’t be as guarded in this relationship, but I am a hell of a lot smarter this time around and not nearly as gullible or naive. I don’t need that kind of disrespect or dishonesty in my life, and that is my sense of justice! You want to act like that, take a hike, you are not for me!