Ray of Hope

Perfect timing… Just as I write this long sappy post, I get some great news. My hubby’s doctor called us back, and said the blood panel they ran showed extremely low testosterone. That doesn’t necessarily sound like good news, but trust me, it is! This could be the very reason for his low count. So starting tomorrow, he is going to be on HCG shots 3 times a week as well as Arimidex pills 1/day. The doctors feel pretty good that this will greatly improve his count. He is at 500,000 and we need him to get to 3-5 million. I know it is a huge jump, but anything is possible, right?! Here’s hoping! I really feel like this is our saving grace! The hubby and I talked about skipping any further treatment and just going straight for IVF because we felt that the time/money wasted for treatment that may not work, would not be worth it. However, this option is fairly inexpensive, somewhere around $400, and we were going to have to wait anyway to do further testing and save for IVF. So I figure, if I can take $100 to the casino in hopes of winning more money, why can’t I apply that same theory with this. Spending $400 on a treatment plan that could save us $15,000…. Who could pass that up? I am really trying to stay positive and hopeful while also trying not to get my hopes up. It is definitely rough, both mentally and on our relationship. But I really feel in my heart that this will be it, this will be our miracle. I guess time will tell.

Long Overdue

Haven’t really felt like talking lately, but I thought it was about time for an update. Since the last time I blogged, a lot has happened! The hubby and I made an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) who specializes in fertility. It took about 7 phone calls to find the right place for us. We “stumbled” upon Conceptions Fertility Center in Denver. I use the quotes because it was no accident that we ended up there, they are a god send! Nervous and excited about our appointment, we headed up to Denver to find out what was going on. The people there were extremely nice, and I got such a great vibe from everyone, especially my doctor, she is incredible. We did the usual weight/height check and then went in for our consultation. She went through my entire history/tests/issues, then moved on to my husband. We started on his history then moved to his testing (Semen Analysis)  and that’s when our world was turned upside down. It turns out that my previous doctor severely misread his test and completely gave us false hope. I should have never been on Clomid as his count was so low, it really did nothing. On average, a male should produce something like 20 million sperm per time, and he was at 500,000. Our appointment for IUI had quickly changed to an appointment about male fertility. We were referred to a male specialist, put on vitamins and meds, and told to come back 3 months later for a retest as this should improve. The emotions were unlike anything experienced. We went from myself being the issue, to both of us. He felt like he was letting me down, which was not true at all! After a few weeks of adjustment, we returned to that positivity and faith that had felt lost. Faithfully, he took every vitamin and med, lost 40 pounds, and thanks to an article his mother passed along, ate a ton of walnuts. Three long months later, we returned for a retest. Those 15 minutes in the room waiting for the results were the longest moments of my life. The doctor returned with not so great news. The count did not change. We were presented with a  multitude of options ranging from genetic testing, MRI’s, more vitamins and pills, bloodwork, and more waiting. Turns out that anytime there is a change in treatment, a 3 month waiting period is needed. While the doctor was talking, I was calculating the time and money investment and it just was not desirable. Upon leaving, I immediately called my doctor, the RE, and asked her opinion. Her recommendation was that we try for IVF rather than investing so much into a procedure she did not feel confident in. She has always had our best interest at heart, so her opinion was extremely valued. After days of frustration, tears, anger, and remorse, we are now going to try for IVF. The only battle we face is the money. IVF runs upwards of $18,000. My husband and I are paycheck to paycheck people as I am sure many are these days, so to us, that amount of money is not something that is easily achievable. We have roughly a grand in savings, no rich relatives, no investments, and no valuables to sell. It feels so hopeless, but I HAVE to believe! I cannot lose hope! So the next thing for us to do is go through some more intricate testing that will tell us if anything else is wrong, and will give us an idea of our odds. Then it is on to financing and lots of extra jobs. A relative suggested fundraising, but I don’t know that I could ever as people for money. So here is hoping I either win the lottery or I stumble upon $18,000! I feel like talking about it rather than keeping it in is helping me tremendously. This is our life now, so why not get support from those we love! That is pretty much it for now, but I will leave you with a bible verse that is keeping me going.

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Don’t worry how long it’s taking, your life is about to get exciting. Just wait for it! Don’t lose hope now, you’re so close. The answer you’ve been waiting for is almost here. Hang in there! The Lord is about to show you awesome things!

Struggles

Why is it that concieving a child is not the same for every female? We all make them the same way, We are all biologically equiped to make them, we utilize the same tools, and use the same calender for timing, so why are the results so different? Why does it take some women a month to conceive, and others years? I have been trying for almost a year unsuccessfully. A family member got pregnant twice, both off of the first time the slept with a guy. A co-worker only took 3 months. A friend went off birth control for a week and got knocked up! I am starting to feel like I am not supposed to have children. I feel like a complete and total failure!

I was speaking to my bestie, who is also ttc, about the "advice" we recieved from our parents, and how NOT comforting it was. My mother seems to think that telling me that it took some of her friends upwards of ten years to procreate, and I have plenty of time would make me feel good. What am I supposed to say..."Yippee, I have another 9 years to go! Can't wait to start my family at 40!" Or the ever popular, "Well she lost 10 pounds and got pregnant, maybe that would help you" line was definitely the topper! I would almost rather there not be any advice if that is what I have to choose from.

Well, I am headed to the doctor on Friday to find out my other options, though I will probably get sent to a specialist. I am just praying I will be able to afford those options available, and hope that they get me nice and preggo!

Go Getter...

I guess I am at that point again, to get back on the horse and try again! I am anxious, and nervous! I want it to happen so badly and I feel like it will not happen in the timely manner I think it should. But whatever the case, I am pumped and ready to go. I need to have those days of somber depression and self pitty to get over it and realize that feeling that way will only drive those nuts around me and will not do anything to fix the situation. I will have a good attitude this month, and hope for the best, though I can't promise that I won't be in the same shitty mood around the time that pesky aunt comes to visit.

I am trying to stay as hopefull and positive as I can, but I feel like I may be coming to the end of the road in terms of options. My wonderful hubby was tested, and he is just fine, but my tests revealed that I am low on progersterone. Shocked by the findings, I learned about the "miracle" drug Clomid. My doctor recommended me for it, saying three out of four patients have concieved using the pill within the first three months! I was ecstatic! Imagine, I could be pregnant within three months! I could not wait to start taking it. The first month it wasn't the correct dosage, but by the second month, I was successfully ovulating! Well, the second month came and went without so much as one day late. Just like the second month, the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth month came, went, and left me childless. So much for the miracle! So now I feel like the other options may be just above what we can afford, and may not be feasible. I will do whatever it takes, not matter how long or how tough, but what if that still is not good enough? What if every "miracle" pill/proceedure in the world still will not allow me to concieve? I heard that God only gives you what you can handle, but I will tell you, I will NOT handle never having a child! I guess I will just have to hang on to my faith and give it to God. Here's hoping.......

Emotions

Why is it that I have a secret vendetta against any one pregnant? Oh yeah, because I am not!! I can't help but to stare at those bumps with envy, sizing up the woman and trying to understand why they are the lucky ones, all while going over a checklist of my life in my head comparing the good and the bad. Never do drugs.... Check! Never smoke... Check! Occassionally drink..... Check! Work out.... Check! I don't have a temper where I could ever harm a child. I took child education classes, worked in childcare, babysat since I was 14, and yet, I remain childless. I am a Christian, probably not the best Christian I could be, but I do believe in God, and do believe that he will provide for us and bless us with a child. I took all the necessary steps and lived a pretty clean life for the most part, so what is missing from this equation? It is such helpless feeling, no matter how prepared, how anxious, how good you are, you simply can not control when it happens! Thus my never ending battle with emotions. I seem to go through stages as if someone died. Shock, denial, depression, acceptance, move on. But the damn cycle starts again in 30 days! All I can say is that my poor husband deserves a freaking medal for putting up with me!!

Dooms Day

Every woman trying to concieve will tell you that dreaded day when your period comes can only be described as dooms day! A day when you can literally see the dreams and hopes you had shatter into oblivion. It has got to be one of the worst pains a woman can feel. Not only are you devistated that you are not pregnant, but you begin to question your health and if you can even get pregnant, and then the guilt sets in. Guilty that you are letting your husband down, guilty that you could have taken better care of yourself for preparation, guilty that you waited so long to start trying. All of these emotions you feel at once, just by examining that toilet paper. Playing the waiting game can be excruciating, until the moment you realize that all the hard work and planning was all for not. Then its back to the begining. back to the charting, the planning, the waiting, and inevitably, the disappointment. It weighs so heavily on you that it almost seems not worth it. Its like the whole, "It's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." theory. Would it have been better to have never tried, or to try and face that heart break every month! You keep telling your self that it will happen, and you can't wait for when the day comes, and you know it will happen, becasue how could God be so cruel to keep something from you that you have wanted your whole life! Then you hear friends and family tell you that it will happen when the time is right, which personally kills me! We are trying because we believe the time is right! And if that saying is true, why are teenagers popping out kids, becasue I am pretty sure that is not great timing! If it seems like I am bitter, I pretty much am. This whole process takes a toll on your heart, mind, spiritual sanity, and your attitude. Right now, I pretty much have an I don't give a damn attitude! I feel that I may have given up........

Baby Brain, an explaination

Growing up, I was a reader and a dreamer, and not to mention, an only child, which I can attribute to my crazy imagination. A lot of childhood memories are slowly fading, but the one thing I have always known was that I was going to be a mom. I would read books about the perfect couple falling in love, getting married, and having swarms of kids. Who knew that the authors were lying through their fucking teeth! Falling in love is not as simple as eyeing a man from across the dance floor, or knocking into eachother down a hall way. And having a baby is definiately not as easy as snapping your fingers, or waking up one day to a room full of little ones! It is work! Hard ass work!! Where are those childrens stories??!!

I guess I can actually start the point of this blog, a honest to goodness account of the true horrors, frustrations, and truths of getting pregnant! Going on 11 months of trying, and still, NOTHING! It is so hard to remain calm and rational when the thing you want the most is so close you can almost touch it, yet so far away! I thought finding love and working to maintain a relationship was hard, boy was I wrong! At some point, faith slowly escapes you, and doubt begins to rear its ugly head and creeps in. So I thought rather than to obsess about my life, I would write my feelings, thoughts, and stories down, in hopes that a woman in the same shoes as I am, will not feel so alone! Because after all, when you are TTC, its hard not to have Baby Brain!