Emotions

Why is it that I have a secret vendetta against any one pregnant? Oh yeah, because I am not!! I can't help but to stare at those bumps with envy, sizing up the woman and trying to understand why they are the lucky ones, all while going over a checklist of my life in my head comparing the good and the bad. Never do drugs.... Check! Never smoke... Check! Occassionally drink..... Check! Work out.... Check! I don't have a temper where I could ever harm a child. I took child education classes, worked in childcare, babysat since I was 14, and yet, I remain childless. I am a Christian, probably not the best Christian I could be, but I do believe in God, and do believe that he will provide for us and bless us with a child. I took all the necessary steps and lived a pretty clean life for the most part, so what is missing from this equation? It is such helpless feeling, no matter how prepared, how anxious, how good you are, you simply can not control when it happens! Thus my never ending battle with emotions. I seem to go through stages as if someone died. Shock, denial, depression, acceptance, move on. But the damn cycle starts again in 30 days! All I can say is that my poor husband deserves a freaking medal for putting up with me!!