Down and out

I swear I am on the longest rollercoaster of my life! My emotions go up and down more than an elevator, it's ridiculous! Yesterday was probably the worst I have felt in a while. My mom has been having a lot of health issues lately, and that has me really bothered and upset, but at least she is getting help she needs and been knocking out a lot of checkups that she has neglected over the years. I have been really worried about her but I know she is strong and a fighter, and she will get through anything. Yesterday was her cardio appointment and we got really good news that no pacemaker is needed but she does have to do further testing. So we are waiting for results from that, hopefully it will be good as well. All we can do is keep moving forward with the checkups and praying everything works out!

 The rest of my mood comes from relationships in my life. Sunday would have been my 6th Anniversary of our big ceremony. As it is approaching, it is getting really hard to deal with. We had 2 anniversaries because we got married twice (one small and one big ceremony) that were 6 months apart. The one in November was hard but I still had it in my head that we would get back together, so it wasn't as hard to deal with as this one. I know it's over, but it is so hard to think about everything that has happened and all of the 'what could have been' thoughts. I laid awake last night thinking about what our life would have been like today if none of this stuff happened. I imagine us doing extremely well financially, fixing our house up really cute and even possibly getting the front lawn done and adding in AC as he would have got the higher paying job as he did. I imagine that by now we would have gotten pregnant and been planning a wonderful anniversary/mother's day getaway to celebrate everything in our life. I imagine our happiness shining through every crappy situation that would have been thrown our way and I picture these perfect little moments where we talk endlessly about what our child will look like and all of the things we will be looking forward to. I think about holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and loving up on my husband and feeling that safe and secure feeling I once felt. All of these thought running through my head that will never happen. All of these dreams shattered and laying in an empty place in my heart. I still feel broken, alone, and defeated! When will these feelings go away? When will I stop thinking about everything like that? I can't take it! It is too much sometimes.

 At this point in my life, I feel like such a failure. I couldn't make a marriage work, I am in a relationship that I'm not even sure I should be in, and I am nowhere near a place in my life where it seems like children will be an option. I just want to be happy. I want to experience all of the joys in life that I am missing out on! I am so tired of seeing everyone's pregnancy announcement and feeling that pang of disappointment and longing! It is devastating knowing that I am so far from that! I hate it! I want normalcy but I don't want to wait for it! And I especially hate that this went from a blog of frustration and determination to one filled with rantings of a jaded and heart broken woman! I hope to return to the strong woman I know I am and get out of this funk!