Feeling Good!

Just finished reading the last blog I posted, and wow, my mood has completely changed. I was definitely going through a funk a while ago. I am happy to say, I am out of that! The last month or so has been crazy busy. D changed jobs, and this one sounds wonderful, and I am hoping works out for him. He really deserves to have a job that appreciates who he is and showcases his potential. D’s daughter A has been doing rehearsals for a play about 2 to 3 times per week. We are a busy family! A’s mom, who is probably my least favorite person in the world, has been messing up so much that she is pretty much ensuring that she remains an every-other weekend Mom.This summer has kept me very busy! And I am sure the school season will be nothing less than busy. I volunteered to be a Brownie leader for A’s troop. I am super excited to take this on as I have loved teaching for such a long time, but the jump in pay is pretty massive, so it is nice to be able to keep my current job and teach at the same time!

Speaking of jobs….the reason I wanted to make a post was something that I did that I am quite proud of. A few months ago, we had these employee survey’s that came out that were to measure our thoughts of being an employee at my company. At the end of the survey was a box that was to be used for suggestions on what we thought would make the company better. Something told me to put a specific suggestion in the box, so I did. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted my suggestion to be more than just that, more than just a small comment on a survey. So, I did some research, created a whole presentation, and took it to my GM. I wanted to ask my company to consider adding Comprehensive Fertility Benefits to our benefits package. Much to my surprise, he thought it was a great idea and let me send it to our corporate HR representative for consideration. About an hour or so after I sent it to her, I got a call. She thought it was great and told me she just put in a request to the insurance company to see what it would cost. I was thrilled! It doesn't mean it will for sure happen, but just to have it considered is HUGE! Not only could it change my life, but it could potentially change the life of many others! So I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed and saying tons of prayers that this is more than a consideration, that we get a real change!

All in all, there have been many positive changes going on. I am even more excited than ever to see what the future holds! Remaining positive and hopeful! Much love and here’s to more good news coming your way!

Turning The Frown Upside Down

Hello Blog! Been a while since I have created one of you! Wasn’t really sure if I should write since nothing new has happened in the baby making process. I started my weight loss journey a little over 2 months ago, and I am currently at a standstill. I did really good for the first 3 weeks. I lost 12 pounds and was going to the gym between 3-4 days a week. I even tried Zumba for the first time! And then, I had a bad week of stress with my Grandma, and then the kiddo broke her ankle, and it has just been rough making myself go back to the gym! I have been able to maintain my 12 pound loss, so I am happy about that, but I am still so far from where I need to be. I was hoping by September I could try again, but now, I am not so sure.

Over the last few months, I have been facing depression, anger, and sadness hard core. I have really tried getting myself out of that space, but there are days where I can’t help but to give into the overwhelming emotions.

One of the things getting me down was my Grandma. I am so close with my Grandma, but unfortunately, she lives in Arizona. She was in the hospital about a  month ago for Pneumonia and a heart condition. She has since been released, and was doing better, except for the news she received from her doctor just recently. She really has no body to take care of her, and she lives alone. I am so worried about her and hate thinking that something could happen to her. I would be seriously crushed if I ever lost her. The family that lives near her, that was supposed to help her and take care of her, did the exact opposite. They used her, and stole from her. It is hard to hate the family that you once loved. I see them and I see nothing but selfish and disgusting people. They are the type of people who can do something like that, and then turn around and ask you for a favor. They use and abuse and it will never change!

Next on my list, A’s mom. Raising D’s daughter for the last year on our own has been a challenge. I love her so much and I have enjoyed so much of it, but it hasn’t been easy. A’s mom is an alcoholic who has a child abuse charge. She is currently sober (because of her probation) and took D to court for custody. We were all geared up for the trial, complete with a  full envelope of evidence to blow away any excuse she had why we were not competent and she was. Ten minutes before court, she appears with an attorney she hired two days prior. Because I was testifying, they sequestered me, or kept me away until my turn on the stand. As I entered, I saw D just looking devastated. I took the stand and was totally railroaded by her lawyer. Despite everything we had, the mom ended up with Saturday visitation, and two months from the first visitation, she was allowed overnights. D and I both agreed that where she is currently living and with whom, it was not a great idea for her to have overnights. So, we sought out an attorney of our own, and hired her. Turns out, among all of the chaos in the court room, we didn’t actually show our evidence. We filed it, but didn’t do the motion of presenting it into court. Not only that, but reading the transcripts from court, and the parts I missed, she actually lied on the stand. She said we only let her see her daughter one time in a year! That was completely false. We took her to see her mom at least 20 times in the last year. Not only that, but we made every effort to accommodate visits with her mom. It made me so angry! Angry that she could lie like that. Angry that she took all of our effort and kindness and threw it away. Angry that she got away with it! Since then, I have received messages about how I am nothing to A, how I have no business being in her life, and how terrible of a person I am. It makes me angry that I even tried at all. But then, I think about A, and I think about how important it is to show her to do the right thing, even if your efforts are for not. The person you are matters more than the outcome! I regret nothing!

The last thing on my list ties into the first two. I am tired. Just plain exhausted. I am sick of doing everything I possibly can and ending up stuck in the same rut! I am so tired of spending money on things when it doesn’t seem to matter. I have bill after bill from fertility treatments that never worked, adding insult to injury! It is a terrible feeling and a reminder that I failed! I hate looking around and seeing all of the pregnancies that I cannot seem to have. All I want is to be a Mom. I want to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a happy and wonderful child. Why does it seem so damn hard?! People lied. Having kids is not nearly as expensive as trying to make them! I hope that I can look back and say that this was all worth it! Right now, it feels like that possibility is getting further and further away.

Enough with all of the depressing banter. I am picking myself up and moving on. I am done feeling depressed, feeling angry, feeling sad. I need to get myself together and start thinking positively. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. But for now, I will slap a smile on my face, turn on some music, and distract myself with work! Deep breath, and……GO!

Trying Something New!

It’s been a while, nothing much has changed, but at least I am in better spirits. In the last month, I have had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of anger, depression, sadness, and confusion. It has taken a while to sort that out and come up with a  reasonable plan of action. First on the list was a trip to my doctors. I had my appointment on Wednesday for a consultation. She met me with kindness and understanding and some empathy. It made me feel nice and comforted. She asked me what I would like to do from here. I told her that I didn’t think IVF was something I could pull off right now. D has a new and better paying job, so maybe somewhere in the near future it could be an option, but not right now. I told her that if she thought it was worth a try, we could try another cycle or two with injectables and IUI. We both agreed that would be our course of action, but with a few modifications. She said that she thinks if I lost some weight, it might have a better overall chance of taking. We had a nice discussion about weight and its effects on fertility. It put things into perspective and gave me the drive and motivation I needed. So, my goal is to lose 50 pounds within 6 months. That, paired with some supplements and healthy eating are the new things we are going to try. So I will be taking time off from this journey to start a new health and fitness journey. I am kind of looking forward to it. Not only will I be healthier, but I can get new clothes, feel better about myself, and take a break from the craziness of trying to conceive. Both physically and mentally, this is what I needed. And I couldn’t be happier. I look forward to this journey, and I look forward to trying again soon. I think I will be in a better overall place and I already feel more hopeful. Things are starting to look up and not feel so chaotic. The smile is slowly returning to my face! :)

....

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to do, or what will happen. I am confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, lost, empty……

For the fourth time in my life, I am left with another failed IUI. And the pain and disappointment does not get easier. I went into this month feeling incredibly hopeful. I had not only one great follicle on my left side, but two this month! I felt great. The two week wait went good, other than the void of symptoms. The last two days I had been filled with nothing but doubt. Nothing up until this point has worked, so why should this. I guess I set myself up for failure, because surprise surprise, all three test confirmed my suspicion with the big fat negative!  I stood there, collected all of my wasted tests and garbage, crammed them into the trash, all while tears streamed down my face. I jumped into the shower and let the water wash away my shame, my failure, my pain.  I told the ones I love, not with words, but with a face that screamed disappointment. I was met with nothing but loving embraces and messages of hope.

Now, what do I do? I spent almost an hour at work reading post after post of women as desperate as I am for a little shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test didn’t pick up the pregnancy, and a few days later would change our fate. But what I read was post after post of desperation that ended in even more disappointment. They clung to that hope so hard, just wishing for a little break, but were left with broken hearts. I felt myself searching, just for the one story that was like mine that made me feel like there was still hope for this cycle. But I know the cold hard truth, there is not. It failed. I am not pregnant. But what do I do now? Do I try to collect myself and try for IUI #5? Do I take a break and hope for the best? I know that IVF is a pipe dream, unless I hit the lottery. My head is spinning and I feel like I have no direction or clue what to do or where to go. I have an appointment at the end of March that will be strictly consultation from my doctor, whom I know will have some advice for me. Will it be what I want to hear? Will I ever end up pregnant? It seems so ridiculous that getting pregnant is this damn hard! What seemed so easy as a teenager feels like the most impossible feat as an adult. The misconceptions of youth. I digress. So with no direction, no hope, and no seeming light at the end of this tunnel, I continue on with life as normal as possible until I get some clarity. Who knows what the future holds, I sure don’t. But I can hope like hell and pray with everything that I have that this will all work out in the end.

4 Days To Go....

Well, I am well over the half-way point for my two week wait, and I am not quite sure how I feel. Last month, I was taking Crinone gel after ovulation and it gave me a lot of symptoms of pregnancy, but it was really just side effects from the progesterone. That was probably a huge component to the devastation I felt when it didn’t happen. This month, I have been taking Endometrin, which is progesterone in a suppository form rather than the gel. The really great thing about that, is that it is a ton cheaper, and only has one side effect that I have experienced, sore breasts. I have a better idea of what to expect from progesterone meds than I did last month. But honestly, that is the ONLY thing I am feeling.

I am currently 10dpiui, and I feel absolutely nothing. It occurred to me last night that I am now halfway through my tww, which was great that I haven’t really been that focused on it, but it also left me feeling a bit depressed. I couldn’t shake this empty feeling, this feeling of impending failure. Surely, I should feel something by now. A twinge, heartburn, nausea, fatigue, cramping……but I feel nothing. I know that every woman is different, and for that matter, so is every cycle. It is still really soon to be getting bummed out about feeling nothing, but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I went upstairs to take my contacts out and just cried. Friday, which is rapidly approaching, feels more like dooms day than it does a day of rejoicing. What would I do if all of these test showed a resounding NO? How do I keep myself from falling into a deep depression? Where do I go from there? I have spent so much money already, on two really great (best I have had) chances. Would I shoot for a third? Could I even afford another go around? I have a consultation scheduled with my doctor at the end of March, just in case this doesn’t work out, but I am not even sure if that will help. I know IVF has better odds and seems like the next logical solution, but that is more money than I can even fathom at this point, let alone get my hands on. And one thing is for sure, time is definitely not on my side. I am not nearing the end of my child bearing years, but the more time goes on, the smaller that window gets. These were all of the thoughts that rolled around in my head as I cried. I eventually calmed myself down, and went back down to cuddle up and watch some tv, but those thoughts haunted me throughout the night. I could hardly sleep.

Today has been a bit better; I have work to thank for the small sabbatical in my brain, but I do admit that a few thoughts have snuck in and tried to create some chaos inside. I just feel blah….not great, not bad, just blah. I am only 4 days away from uncovering my fate and it feels less likely that I will be celebrating and more likely that I will be wearing my sunglasses into work that day. I hope and pray with everything that I have and everything that I am, that this is it, that Friday will reveal that I am in fact, pregnant. 4 days to go…….

The Time Has Come!

The last week or so has been crazy busy to say the least. Between Girl Scout Cookie sales (A is in Girl Scouts), her counseling appointments, my doctor appointments, threats of layoff’s at D’s work, and my ever frustrating job, I am exhausted. But here we are, all prepped and ready for IUI#4! Even though this is technically IUI#4, I like to think of it as IUI#2. The first two realistically, were more like long shots and lots of prayers. I never had a good and mature follicle on the left side, I only had them on my right. These last few months, God has blessed me with great follicles on my left side, and I feel like these have been the best shots I could have asked for! My last appointment was yesterday morning, and it went great. The 2 follicles on my left side measured around 17.5mm and 14mm, so with the extra day of Follisitm injections, they should be around 19-20mm and 16mm, with a few small ones on my right. I will do the Ovidrel trigger shot tonight, and we go in on Friday morning for our IUI! I am feeling pretty great about it. I am going to try as hard as possible to not get my hopes up too high and to just remain positive and see what happens. But anyone who is TTC knows this is nearly an impossible feat. It is all I have dreamed about and worked so hard for, and for it to finally happen would be nothing short of a miracle! So to anyone who is reading this, please send lots of prayers or happy thoughts my way, I can use every single one of them! I will check back in with the progress of this lovely process!

We Got This!

Life has returned to its normalcy, or our version of normalcy at least. What I felt a few weeks ago was something I had not experienced before. Sure, I have had my share of disappointments, and have begun to get used to seeing the pregnancy tests negative result, but this was far more than that. I started out incredibly hopeful, but as the days progressed and I felt all of these different emotions and symptoms (thank you progesterone cream for providing the phantom pregnancy symptoms), I really thought that this was it. I was already making a check list in my head of all the things I needed to get done before “the baby” gets here. I now feel like a ridiculous person who, despite her best efforts, let her hopes get up way too high. When those pregnancy tests flashed my fate, I almost couldn’t breathe. I stood there in shock before the endless river of tears fell. I honestly felt like someone had ripped my heart out. The following days were somber and depressing. I couldn’t get it together, which is not like me. I tried so hard not to personalize it or to scrutinize every move I made to see if it was something that I could have done differently. I was slipping into a depression, but the love of my family and friends pulled me out of it.

I called the doctor last Friday when lovey AF started and marked my new cycle. I asked if I could get a consultation for guidance on what to do now. They informed me that since it was only my first cycle on injectables, that I could start another cycle with them, as long as everything looked good. So I made my appointment for Sunday. D was able to come with me to this one, which made me happy and put me at ease. I had my scan, and she said that everything looked good, no cysts, and lots of potential follicles on both sides. I was to start Follistim again that night. I asked her if it was common for it to fail when everything looked so good, and her answer was everything I was looking for. She said that even with everything as good as we could have hoped for, it is still a statistics game. Only 1 out of 5 tries works. So just because this one didn’t take, it doesn’t mean I did anything wrong, and it absolutely doesn’t mean that this one doesn’t have a shot, it just is what it is. She said it was absolutely reasonable to try this method again and hope for the best. Hearing it from my friends and family is great, but hearing it from a doctor just makes it feel much more credible and gave me the relief I needed. So as they say, try, and try again….and that is what we are going to do. I am now 2 days into my injections, and I am feeling good. I go in tomorrow for my scan to make sure things are moving in the right direction. I may have been down, but I am certainly not out!