....

I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to do, or what will happen. I am confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, hopeless, lost, empty……

For the fourth time in my life, I am left with another failed IUI. And the pain and disappointment does not get easier. I went into this month feeling incredibly hopeful. I had not only one great follicle on my left side, but two this month! I felt great. The two week wait went good, other than the void of symptoms. The last two days I had been filled with nothing but doubt. Nothing up until this point has worked, so why should this. I guess I set myself up for failure, because surprise surprise, all three test confirmed my suspicion with the big fat negative!  I stood there, collected all of my wasted tests and garbage, crammed them into the trash, all while tears streamed down my face. I jumped into the shower and let the water wash away my shame, my failure, my pain.  I told the ones I love, not with words, but with a face that screamed disappointment. I was met with nothing but loving embraces and messages of hope.

Now, what do I do? I spent almost an hour at work reading post after post of women as desperate as I am for a little shred of hope that maybe, just maybe, the test didn’t pick up the pregnancy, and a few days later would change our fate. But what I read was post after post of desperation that ended in even more disappointment. They clung to that hope so hard, just wishing for a little break, but were left with broken hearts. I felt myself searching, just for the one story that was like mine that made me feel like there was still hope for this cycle. But I know the cold hard truth, there is not. It failed. I am not pregnant. But what do I do now? Do I try to collect myself and try for IUI #5? Do I take a break and hope for the best? I know that IVF is a pipe dream, unless I hit the lottery. My head is spinning and I feel like I have no direction or clue what to do or where to go. I have an appointment at the end of March that will be strictly consultation from my doctor, whom I know will have some advice for me. Will it be what I want to hear? Will I ever end up pregnant? It seems so ridiculous that getting pregnant is this damn hard! What seemed so easy as a teenager feels like the most impossible feat as an adult. The misconceptions of youth. I digress. So with no direction, no hope, and no seeming light at the end of this tunnel, I continue on with life as normal as possible until I get some clarity. Who knows what the future holds, I sure don’t. But I can hope like hell and pray with everything that I have that this will all work out in the end.