4 Days To Go....

Well, I am well over the half-way point for my two week wait, and I am not quite sure how I feel. Last month, I was taking Crinone gel after ovulation and it gave me a lot of symptoms of pregnancy, but it was really just side effects from the progesterone. That was probably a huge component to the devastation I felt when it didn’t happen. This month, I have been taking Endometrin, which is progesterone in a suppository form rather than the gel. The really great thing about that, is that it is a ton cheaper, and only has one side effect that I have experienced, sore breasts. I have a better idea of what to expect from progesterone meds than I did last month. But honestly, that is the ONLY thing I am feeling.

I am currently 10dpiui, and I feel absolutely nothing. It occurred to me last night that I am now halfway through my tww, which was great that I haven’t really been that focused on it, but it also left me feeling a bit depressed. I couldn’t shake this empty feeling, this feeling of impending failure. Surely, I should feel something by now. A twinge, heartburn, nausea, fatigue, cramping……but I feel nothing. I know that every woman is different, and for that matter, so is every cycle. It is still really soon to be getting bummed out about feeling nothing, but I just couldn’t get myself out of it. I went upstairs to take my contacts out and just cried. Friday, which is rapidly approaching, feels more like dooms day than it does a day of rejoicing. What would I do if all of these test showed a resounding NO? How do I keep myself from falling into a deep depression? Where do I go from there? I have spent so much money already, on two really great (best I have had) chances. Would I shoot for a third? Could I even afford another go around? I have a consultation scheduled with my doctor at the end of March, just in case this doesn’t work out, but I am not even sure if that will help. I know IVF has better odds and seems like the next logical solution, but that is more money than I can even fathom at this point, let alone get my hands on. And one thing is for sure, time is definitely not on my side. I am not nearing the end of my child bearing years, but the more time goes on, the smaller that window gets. These were all of the thoughts that rolled around in my head as I cried. I eventually calmed myself down, and went back down to cuddle up and watch some tv, but those thoughts haunted me throughout the night. I could hardly sleep.

Today has been a bit better; I have work to thank for the small sabbatical in my brain, but I do admit that a few thoughts have snuck in and tried to create some chaos inside. I just feel blah….not great, not bad, just blah. I am only 4 days away from uncovering my fate and it feels less likely that I will be celebrating and more likely that I will be wearing my sunglasses into work that day. I hope and pray with everything that I have and everything that I am, that this is it, that Friday will reveal that I am in fact, pregnant. 4 days to go…….