Ready for a New Year!

Reflecting back on a whole year of a fertility journey and I can’t help but be kind of glad that 2015 is ending. This year has been a bit rough. I started out in January with such high hopes. I went to my OBGYN and started this journey armed with what I thought would be the start of motherhood. I ended up with a nice pharmacy bill for meds that didn’t even pertain to me. One of the things I am grateful for is finding a wonderful RE at a place that is just fabulous! Without my doctor, I would never have known what really is wrong with me! A new doctor, a new diagnoses, a new hope and a new frustration! Very bittersweet indeed! I went into April feeling like a freak as I discovered I now only have half of a uterus, but also feeling good knowing that it wasn’t anything I could have done wrong, it just is what it is.

This year also brought on a different kind of pain. Now that I knew what was wrong, and the course of action had been changed, I was SURE that I would be pregnant in a matter of months, now that I could do an IUI. The devastation from walking away from a whole months worth of work on an IUI was rough. I had never been that crushed before. But I had such a wonderful support system that I was able to bounce back from my failures. I also got to feel a deep frustration like I had never felt before along with a complete loss of control. I would psyche myself up for a new month, walk into that room ready to tackle this all over again, but as I watched my doctors face as she moved the scan all around to discover that my left side produced nothing, I knew my fate. It plain sucked! Having on control as to which side would decide to produce a follicle sucked!

This month was one of the harder months. I was set to start a new set of treatments that I got really excited for, just to walk out of that room disappointed yet again! Nothing, except for the nice cysts that were on each of my ovaries! I was bumming hard core! I had this idea that I would be able to start my treatments, and would find out right before Christmas that I had a little Christmas miracle growing inside of me. But if we have learned anything, it is that life does not care about your plans or ideas. It does what it wants. As I started to cope with the idea that maybe it was for the best, because I can now take part in all of the adult beverages at Holiday parties, I perked up, and started to enjoy my December. But, in good fashion, my body jumped right in with a  giant middle finger and gave me the gift of mid-cycle bleeding. This lasted for about 4 days. Lucky me! Now here is where I am thrown through a loop….I was supposed to start 5 days ago. I took a test, and of course, it showed me that lovely little negative that I am so accustomed to. I am now in limbo, which I fucking hate! Was this mid-cycle gift a random bleed because of cysts? Was it the start of a period that came two-weeks early? Or is my body finally saying FU and doing its own thing making it harder in this new year to try? All of these questions that are answered with the waiting game. For now, I wait, marking a possible CD1 two weeks ago, while keeping the tally running from the previous cycle, marking today CD33. As I mentioned before….I am so ready to leave this year behind!

I am going to prepare myself for the new year! New possibilities, new hope, new outlook, and new goals! Come on 2016, make this the best year EVER! I am ready!!

Cursed?

Do you ever feel like you are cursed? When I was younger, at the moment something upsetting/terrible/tragic happened, I could literally pinpoint the exact moment just before that I was happy, like truly happy, and would utter the very words. Not too long after that, said tragedy would happen. And I’m not talking like my favorite pair of jeans ripped tragedy, I mean real-life, fuck-you-up shit would happen. I always felt that I had a curse put on me, like I am not destined to ever be happy. The minute I have a taste of it, it gets ripped away. I still feel like it’s there. But that is my pity and self-loathing phase speaking. I usually get into it when something shitty happens. Nothing absolutely terrible happened, and for that I am thankful, but it still sucks! I went to my doctors yesterday, for my CD4 ultrasound. I was so excited, this was the month I would start injections. I had this little vision of being able to share the news just in time for Christmas. But if anyone knows the world of fertility, you know that things NEVER go according to plan. My ultrasound showed that I still had the cyst on my right side that did look like it was going away, but now I had one on my left! Mother fucker! I had blood drawn and my estrogen level was higher than normal, and all that made for the final decision of postponing injections until the next cycle. I am bummed! Just when I get this little glimpse of hope, something has to rain on that parade! So tired of this! I just want to get pregnant! I want to have a healthy and happy baby, and I want to be a mother. Why is it so hard?! I just don’t get it! I know I am not the only woman to go through this. I follow many blogs of women in my shoes, and some have it harder than myself. This fucking sucks ladies! Blech! It is hard not to personalize it, hard not to fall into a slight depression, and really hard to stay optimistic! I made the mistake last night of talking about my fertility at A’s Girls Scout Meeting. There are a few really sweet mothers who just say the absolute wrong things! I had one mother tell me that she just gets pregnant by her husband looking at her. She loooovveed being pregnant, and she thought about being a surrogate because of how easy is was for her. And then another mother said that she is so fertile that the only times she has ever messed around with her husband (strange relationship, but no judgement), they immediately got pregnant. I have one thing to say…..SHUT THE FUCK UP! If a woman is telling you her frustrations about NOT getting pregnant, and her longing for a child, it may not be the best time to rub it in her face that you can get pregnant so easily. I wouldn't walk into a room full of bald people and rave about my hair. It is just plain rude! I digress. So here I am, back on the waiting wagon hoping that next month’s ultrasound shows nice clear ovaries. I would like something to go right this time! As much as I am thankful that I am still able to try, I am also getting so tired of being on this roller coaster. It is exhausting and feels less hopeful by the day.

Change of Plans, Here We Go

Well today was not what I was hoping for! Ugh! I took my lovely little Letrozole on the designated days like I was supposed to, and then had a really nice and fun weekend on a little road trip from AZ back to CO with my mother. I woke up this morning half excited and half worried for my appointment today. I got to my doctors, had a little pep talk with my left side as we took the elevator up, and thought we were on the same page. I was wrong! Et tu Brute?! Just like Julius fucking Caesar, my body betrayed me! I was on the table when my doctor told me that yet again, that lazy bastard of an ovary produced NOTHING! Not a damn thing! The fucking valedictorian right ovary did its job and made a perfect follicle! GAHHH! My doctor told me that we had to make a change as she didn't see the point going on like this since nothing was happening. My two options, a cycle with injectables or IVF. Since I am not rich, IVF is out of the picture, so that left the injectables. What that means…..Next cycle, I will go in as normal, but once I get the green light, I will continue to go into the office close to every other day to get blood drawn and an ultrasound to check levels and make sure all is good. Then, on the daily, from CD3 to CD11-14, I will inject myself with Follistim. The results from blood test will determine the dosage for the next few days. Then, if my left side decides to join the party instead of being an absolute asshole, I will take the Ovadriel trigger shot that makes me ovulate and will do my 3^rd IUI. It is much more expensive than what I have been doing, but will hopefully result in a wee one and make all of this worth it! I am so lucky to have such a great support system through all of this, because I don’t know what I would do without them! I feel weak today, but will be stronger tomorrow and I will make this happen! I will have this baby! I am not giving up!

Not A Bad Start

I had my first appointment in months with my RE on Monday. It went fairly well. I still have a small cyst on the right side, but my Dr. thinks that it should be okay and will not interfere with moving forward and taking Letrozole. I started my first dose Monday night and will continue through Friday with a follow-up appointment next Monday to see if the left side has finally got it’s shit together and produced some decent sized follicles! Lazy asshole! So we play the hopeful game all over again. I am feeling pretty good about it. I am excited to start the process again this month, although it was a nice break, it sucked losing so much time! So here we go, fingers crossed, prayers said, and a calm mind wait for Monday.

Things in life have been a bit crazy to say the least. We have had D’s daughter A full time for almost 5 months now. All in all, it has been pretty great having her there. We have her into a nice routine, between school, art club, girl scouts, and counseling, she has a full schedule. It has been rough a few times, but she is a wonderful little girl that I am so blessed to have in my life. As far as her mom, things have not been so good there. She is an alcoholic, who was doing a great job recovering, until she made the rookie mistake of thinking 3 months sober made her invincible, and she consequently fell off the wagon, hard! She has been on and off drinking for almost a month. It was hard having to tell A that her mom was acting that way because of the alcohol. We have had to be the ones to explain why her mommy bailed on events she promised she would go to, and explaining why she can’t be alone with her right now. It put us in a tough place, but I think she understands. Thank God for counseling! It is so hard to watch and be part of something like this. I love that little girl, and I only want the best for her. She needs her mommy and her daddy in her life, but I know that unless mommy WANTS the help, she won’t get the help she needs. I can only think of my relationship with my alcoholic father and how many times he chose alcohol over me, and it breaks my heart. So here I am, jumping in and playing mom, trying to keep her from drowning in these emotions, taking her to functions and loving this little girl like she was mine….but she isn't. And that is a hard reality. I hope that her mom does get better, because she deserves it, but I know that day, if it comes, is going to be hard. Handing over the reins of this world we created for her, and stepping down from that role. It will be hard, it makes me tear up just thinking about it. This time that I have been able to step in has been great. And I will always be there for her, no matter what role I play in her life. I love her, I love her father, and I love our little (hopefully growing) family!

Just Another Bump in the Road

It has been a streak of bad luck/timing! Last month, I got the okay to take Letrozole in hopes of doing my 3^rd IUI. I took it exactly like I was supposed to. I went back to the doctors for my CD12 scan, and was really disappointed. I had one decent sized follicle on my right side, but a tiny little one on my left. I felt so bummed! We both agreed to just wait until next month. I had unexpected spotting right after that, and it lasted about 4 days. The doctor thought it may have been my cyst that caused some bleeding mid cycle. It went away after that, which I was relieved by! Now I was in wait mode for my next cycle in hopes I may have better luck this time. God must have a funny sense of humor, because I started my next cycle as I was on my way to Arizona. I called my doctor, but by the time I would make it back, it would already be CD5, and too late to start anything. So this month ended up being a wash as well! I was so freaking bummed! Another damn month slips away! Here I am, a month from today is my 31^st birthday, and still no pregnancy! I fought depression the next couple of days and slowly cheered myself up with the help of delicious wine! I boarded the plane on Sunday that would take me back home, and opened up my trashy celeb gossip magazines and began reading. I came across a little box at the right hand corner of the page. It was a mini-article of the actress Beverly Mitchell showing off her adorable children. She is 34 and has two young children, the first of which, she had when she was 32. That thought made me perk up a bit. Here is this vivacious young looking woman who is 32 when she had her first, and here I sit, a mere 30 (close to 31). Though sometimes it is hard to accept that I am in my 30’s, I am still relatively young. I put so much pressure/stress surrounding my age, that I really lose sight of the bigger picture. It does not matter how old I am when it happens, as long as it happens. I know that I will get pregnant. I know that I will have a happy and healthy baby. I just have to remain patient and do what I can and know that it will happen in God’s time. My mom asks me if I am going to be okay if it doesn’t happen. Well, first of all, no. I cannot fathom that. I know that there is this massive aching in my heart that will never cease if it does not happen. But, none of that matters. I believe that God will give you the desires of your heart, or he will change your heart. I am still as passionate about it as I have been. I believe in God, I believe he is the God of miracles and nothing is too big for him to do. I know that I will be a Mom. I know this because I have faith. It is just learning to be patient is what I have a problem with! So for now, I will enjoy my few glasses of wine and the lack to stress from trying this month and wait for my cycle to start over and for hope to be restored for next month! It would be the best birthday gift of all!

On a Break

This has been a rough month for me. After the loss of my wonderful doggie Kyiah, I was heartbroken. There have been quite a few changes as well that have been hard to get used to. My mom quit her job and decided to move to Arizona to take care of my Grandma. Now, she has tried to do this several times before, but has never quit her job, and she sounds more determined this time. I am glad my Grandma won't be lonely anymore, but it still makes me sad. I wanted my mom to move out, not move states. At least she is close enough to visit. Things with D's daughter A have been going well. We have had her almost 3 months full time while her mother has been in rehab. She started a new school and we have had to adjust to different schedules, and making time to fit in homework and reading time. Been a bit tough, but really rewarding.

So on top of everything, I have had to deal with the impossibly difficult fertility journey! I have 2 failed IUI's under my belt and went in for my third this last week, only, it didn't happen. After taking Femera a fourth time, my left side refused to produce even 1 follicle. I had several big ones, just on my right side! I was so angry! I have always been down about the way my body looks, but I have never disliked my body more than after that day! It is so frustrating and emotionally draining! Not only have I had 2 failed IUI's, but it was like my body giving me the middle finger. I was speechless. I left the office feeling hopeless. I feel a little better about it now, being on the other side of this disaster, and it has given me time to let me body relax for a month and prepare for this month. Hopefully the left side will get its shit together and create some damn good size follicles! In fact, since it slacked this time, it should give the right side a break and create all the follicles this month!!! I spoke with my doctor, and since I had some left over Crinone from my previous dr, we are going to use it after ovulation/IUI #3 and hope for the best! So this month it is rest and relaxation until my cycle starts over, and then it's ON!!

Broken Heart

I wanted to take a break from my typical entries to talk about something that absolutely breaks my heart. My mother and I had to come to the tough decision of putting my beloved family dog Kyiah to sleep. My beautiful and lovely, one of a kind companion will be leaving this world tonight. Almost 16 years ago, we wandered down the aisles of our local humane society looking for the perfect match for our family. This group of dogs huddled together caught my eye. It was a momma dog with her 6 little puppies. 4 boys and 2 girls. I looked in the back, and here was this beautiful little girl looking so lonely and so scared. That beautiful little puppy became OUR beautiful little puppy! We took her home and she ran right to one of our slippers, curled up in it, and chewed her way to sleep. Through the years, she has matured and become easily my favorite pet of all time. She is always there, always giving kisses, and even her little hugs. Many housing changes and moves across states, she was easy going and adjusted well. The last few years as she entered into the life of a senior, she started changing, and not for the better. Things seemed so much harder than they should have been, and she lost that sparkle in her eye. It was hard watching her, and I convinced myself that she was okay, but when I took a step back, I realized that she wouldn’t get any better. But I also knew that she wasn’t that bad yet. I still had time, not a lot, but some. The last month was a different story and I had to face it, her quality of life no longer looked the same as it has. This beautiful puppy who turned into an incredible dog was nearing the end of her long and wonderful life. It was the absolute hardest decision I have made in my life, but we decided to end her struggle and pain and transition her into her new life in heaven. I have only 2 short little hours left before I have to say goodbye to a friend I have had for half of my life. My heart is breaking and there are no words. The only thing I can say is; thank you Kyiah, for being the best friend/perfect dog in my life. No one can fill those shoes. You have a place in my heart, now and forever!