Cursed?

Do you ever feel like you are cursed? When I was younger, at the moment something upsetting/terrible/tragic happened, I could literally pinpoint the exact moment just before that I was happy, like truly happy, and would utter the very words. Not too long after that, said tragedy would happen. And I’m not talking like my favorite pair of jeans ripped tragedy, I mean real-life, fuck-you-up shit would happen. I always felt that I had a curse put on me, like I am not destined to ever be happy. The minute I have a taste of it, it gets ripped away. I still feel like it’s there. But that is my pity and self-loathing phase speaking. I usually get into it when something shitty happens. Nothing absolutely terrible happened, and for that I am thankful, but it still sucks! I went to my doctors yesterday, for my CD4 ultrasound. I was so excited, this was the month I would start injections. I had this little vision of being able to share the news just in time for Christmas. But if anyone knows the world of fertility, you know that things NEVER go according to plan. My ultrasound showed that I still had the cyst on my right side that did look like it was going away, but now I had one on my left! Mother fucker! I had blood drawn and my estrogen level was higher than normal, and all that made for the final decision of postponing injections until the next cycle. I am bummed! Just when I get this little glimpse of hope, something has to rain on that parade! So tired of this! I just want to get pregnant! I want to have a healthy and happy baby, and I want to be a mother. Why is it so hard?! I just don’t get it! I know I am not the only woman to go through this. I follow many blogs of women in my shoes, and some have it harder than myself. This fucking sucks ladies! Blech! It is hard not to personalize it, hard not to fall into a slight depression, and really hard to stay optimistic! I made the mistake last night of talking about my fertility at A’s Girls Scout Meeting. There are a few really sweet mothers who just say the absolute wrong things! I had one mother tell me that she just gets pregnant by her husband looking at her. She loooovveed being pregnant, and she thought about being a surrogate because of how easy is was for her. And then another mother said that she is so fertile that the only times she has ever messed around with her husband (strange relationship, but no judgement), they immediately got pregnant. I have one thing to say…..SHUT THE FUCK UP! If a woman is telling you her frustrations about NOT getting pregnant, and her longing for a child, it may not be the best time to rub it in her face that you can get pregnant so easily. I wouldn't walk into a room full of bald people and rave about my hair. It is just plain rude! I digress. So here I am, back on the waiting wagon hoping that next month’s ultrasound shows nice clear ovaries. I would like something to go right this time! As much as I am thankful that I am still able to try, I am also getting so tired of being on this roller coaster. It is exhausting and feels less hopeful by the day.