Desires of the heart

My mother asked me what I want to do for my 30^th birthday in November; my response……not to turn 30! Not that I do not love every day that I get to spend on this earth, but seriously, where the fuck has time gone?! I couldn't wait to turn 21, that was the age to be. After that milestone, I feel like time is flying by! I still feel like I am in my early 20’s. For the most part, I have things together that I hoped I would have before turning 30. I have a great job, a fantastic social life, I own my own home, I have my finances under control, and I am in a great relationship. So why am I bumming so hard about turning 30? Kids. I am nearly 30 and I am not even pregnant with my first. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have a child, working on their second, or have decided against them. Here I am, floating out in this void, trying to keep my grasp on this dream. 30 feels like the start of the clock. Up until now, I felt okay about not having a child because I had time, but everyone knows, 30 marks the start of declining fertility. That is a huge roadblock with someone whom already has fertility issues. I feel so left behind and it sucks! D and I talk often about starting my meds to see what happens, but we are undecided on the time frame. Seeing as how November is rapidly approaching…it will be very unlikely that this will happen. Being pregnant on my 30^th would be a hell of a lot better than nothing! Conversations about starting meds are always positive and we are heading in that direction, but not fast enough! I want us to take our time and come to a mutual decision, but the clock is a tickin! I do have faith that it will happen, and it will happen when it is supposed to, I just have to be patient and keep my head up, however hard it may be! I do feel strongly that it will happen within this next year though. I have even had my crazy moments and tried to play it off as ‘just trying to be prepared’ as I purchase a few odds and ends for babies! I have a little stock going in my basement of diapers, clothes, and bedding; but only because it was on clearance! :) For now, I will just enjoy my life as it is and pray that it goes in that direction soon! I read a part in a devotional that said 'God gives you the desires of your heart, or he changes your heart.' Well, my heart speaks stronger and stronger everyday for children!

Other than that dark cloud hanging over my head, things have been great! I completed my weekend job this last weekend which felt great! Working 7 days a week, non-stop, for the last 3 and a half months was exhausting but extremely rewarding! I am going to start my landscaping on the front yard soon and I have already begun updating and redecorating in the house. It has been so much fun to pick things out and decorate the house with my mom and D. Really makes the improvements we make that much more meaningful! I absolutely love being a home owner! When my mother moves out, our next plan of action is to make a room for A…she deserves to have her own space when she comes over rather than sleeping on the floor in our room. It will be great to see her reaction, for that, I cannot wait! We also have a family vacation coming up to visit my family in Arizona. My mother, D, A, and I are going out at the end of September. It is going to be very interesting and hopefully a lot of fun!

 I am truly looking forward to the future. I have been the happiest I have ever been in these last few years, even though they were some of the most trying times and times where I felt the most defeated! I love how things turned out and I couldn't imagine it any other way! I believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and I will be a mother. Just have to be patient, which we all know by now, I am clearly not! When I actually take the meds, I will pop on for updates and I am sure there will be many, and I will get to share the joy and the emotions I feel when I finally look down at that test and see that little plus sign! 

Taking time to breathe

Life has been nothing short of a whirlwind lately….it has nearly been chaos, but the good kind of chaos! D and I have had A almost every weekend for the last 4 months. It has been one of the most challenging situations of my life, but also the most rewarding! That little girl brings such joy and excitement into our life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way! It hasn’t been without struggle though. One of the most challenging things has been agreement on Parenting. For the most part, we agree on Parenting style, and we see eye to eye on the big things, but the little things add up and we bicker about those. It never gets out of control, and has actually been beneficial as we are learning this whole new experience together. The only other challenge has been her mother. A’s mom has an alcohol problem and seems to get in trouble with the law frequently. She is almost always without a job and comes with a fair share of drama. We all get along, and that has been great and makes things a lot easier. But it is increasingly difficult to send A back into that mess week after week. I just want to scoop her up and keep her away from all of that. I would never want to keep her from her mom, but I wish her mom would get it together and not put her daughter in the middle of that! I am just happy that she treats her wonderfully. She loves that little girl so much! Even with all of those challenges, it is still pretty damn amazing! We get to do so much with her, and that partially calms my baby craze, and partially enhances it! We have done movies, parks, water parks, kid festivals and events, and gatherings with other friends and their kids. I think the best moments are the ones that are so simple. Sitting downstairs as we all cuddle on the couch to watch a movie together and having her fall asleep on our laps, or just hearing her cute little voice tell you she loves you….it melts your heart! I still can’t believe that this is my life!

Amidst all of the family life changes with the kiddo, I have picked up a  part time job for the summer. I wanted to get some landscaping done as well as pay off my credit card, so I took a job on the weekends. Working 7 days a week has been exhausting, but watching my credit card debit slowly subside has been worth it! Things have just been working out so well lately, I am afraid I am dreaming and it will vanish! After taking this job, I entered a contest for Home Depot, and ended up winning the contest and getting gift cards to Home Depot….perfect timing as I wanted to landscape this year. That saved me a ton of money! This is on the heels of winning a previous contest that left me with some great Target Gift cards! The Target gift cards allowed me to get some great stuff for the house, but helped me purchase my meds and I still have some left over for future baby stuff! And speaking of the infamous B word….looks like we are getting closer to actually putting those meds to good use! We have talked about it, and I think we are going to work out and get healthy while working on our relationship in the next few months, and see where we are at in September. We are both nervous, but equally excited! So we shall see!

Everything else has been pretty great! D and I are doing amazing, minus a few hiccups here and there, but that is what makes us stronger! Every day, I fall more in love with him and still can’t believe how much I love this man and how lucky I am things happened the way they did! Life is so different from where it was a few years ago, but I wouldn’t change anything! As always, can’t wait to see what the future holds and how things play out! I have learned to just let go and enjoy the ride……well, almost have letting go down, it seems to be a constant struggle!

Crazy but nearly perfect!

Things have been a bit hectic lately, to say the least! I started a second job a few weeks ago to get some extra money to pay off some debt and to make some home improvements! So far so good, I am enjoying the job a lot…it’s outside and I have an incredible view as it is at Garden of the Gods, so I can’t really complain! I don’t know how quickly I am going to get burnt out on working 7 days a week, but my focus is on that money! D lost his job a few weeks ago, which was good and bad timing as I started my second job, so I was bummed thinking that extra money would go to supplement his loss, but he got approved for unemployment, and that helped out tremendously!  I am back to original plan with this money! I am getting anxious to finally finish my front yard! When I bought the house, the front yard was ransacked and all of the landscaping destroyed! I think that helped with the fact that I was able to get the house because of the fact it was much cheaper….but I am finally going to be able to get the front lawn done and landscaped this summer, so stoked! I am so happy with the random improvements I am making around the house with the help of my awesome mother. My bedroom is nearly complete as I have a new bathroom vanity, new bed set, nice TV, and blinds. I just need to paint and finish up my dressers and it will be perfect! Not only that, but we have the office painted and redecorated, and the upstairs living room looks amazing with the new rug and lamp. I had the unbelievable luck to have won a contest that gave me some great Target gift cards that helped me get a really terrific patio set that I am in love with! I have some great plans for the media room and the laundry room that I hope to tackle this summer as well. Should be fun!

Nothing new on the baby front….got my dr appt scheduled for June 10^th and will get a prescription for the meds and hopefully try in July. But we will see. Hard not to get excited, but also don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Taking it one day at a time, but being well prepared can’t hurt! Feeling excited and hopeful for the future. Things with D and his amazing daughter A are going so well! I love that little girl, she warms my heart and brings a smile to my face! I am smitten! It is seriously remarkable how much can change in a year! I remember this time last year struggling with the fact that I was actually divorced. And now, I cannot imagine my life any other way….I am beyond happy and so thankful that I am out of all of that and see now that life is much better this way! 

Life promotion

I have gone from woman to proxy mom in a little over a month! D and I have had his daughter, A, every weekend now, and while I absolutely love it and wouldn't change it, it has not been easy. She is a wonderful little girl, and a joy to be around, but the things she is going through in her life right now are having an effect on her. There is a lot of drama involving her mother and quite a bit of changes that she has coming at her. The biggest one is that her mom is heading off to jail for 30 days for some charges she had a while back. She is calling it a ‘vacation’ and tells A that she will have to stay at her grandma’s house while she is away. With her staying there, D and I will not be able to see her as there are some conflicts between them all. So not only will her mom be away for a month, but essentially, her dad will be to. That mixed with some of the things I have seen from her mom and the way there are living, they make me really sad for her. I am so thankful that we get to be part of that little girls life and bring in some joy and structure to her chaotic life. I have spent some time with S, her mom, and while I do like her and respect her as A’s mom, I feel like she is being irresponsible in the choices she is making and she can be a bit reckless in the way she chooses to deal with A. I really hope that this time in jail will help turn her life around. I want us to be there for A whenever she needs it and hopefully be a good example for S to follow.

On the other end of this, I think this has been such a refreshing change for D and I and has really helped us to learn and grow together. We have been getting along exceptionally well, taking time to really listen and understand each other, and really have something we connect and unite over. I love watching him in the dad role, my heart melts every time! He is so good with her and you can tell he loves the heck outta her! She has been a little blessing that not only brought us closer, brought more joy and love into our life, and helped us grow as a couple, but it showed us that we are truly ready to have one of our own. We have matured a lot in the last month and we now know that we can parent together, that we have the same morals and beliefs when it comes to raising children, and we know how to balance the life we had with the one we now have all while maintaining a healthy relationship. This has been a whirlwind but it has been absolutely amazing! Who knew that I could be this happy???!! If someone would have told me 2 years ago that this would be my life, I would have thought they were crazy! I thought for sure my life was over and I would never be happy or have a future that I would be ecstatic about, but boy was I wrong! We still have a lot of work to do to get where we want to be, but we are at a damn good start!

Weekend Bliss

This weekend was just absolutely wonderful, I would even say almost magical! D and I picked his daughter up around 630, picked up some pizza and went back to the house. We ate dinner, played some games, and then had a slumber party where we made chocolate chip cookies and watched The Little Mermaid in bed. We all passed out around 1030. The morning was one of my favorite parts….listening to D and his daughter A talking and then getting up and making breakfast, blissful! I had always envisioned this when I bought this house…little ones scattered around the house, hearing their little conversations, waking up to breakfast with the family, so cute! After breakfast, we all played a bit downstairs and made our way up to get ready for the day. Watching D get her ready and picking out an outfit was just adorable! While D was getting ready, I was fixing her hair and playing dentist on a game she was in love with. It just felt so surreal and so perfect. We all got ready and headed out to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade downtown. We had so much fun! Watching the parade with a kid adds such a different element to it, it was great! We watched the floats pass by, snacked on popcorn and caught a lot of goodies being tossed out. We ended our downtown afternoon with some lunch and a quick tour of my office where she met one of my best friends. It was fun getting to show off her cuteness. After that, we pretty much stayed in for the rest of the weekend playing games, watching movies, and doing chores. It really felt like I was playing mom. I was so busy and so exhausted, but it was a blast! I felt more than ever like I was truly ready for motherhood! And the most amazing part of it all was that D and I really clicked and worked well together when parenting. We had great communication and our styles were nearly the same. He really impressed me this weekend and got me super excited about our future together and ttc! He is such an amazing man, and I am madly in love with him! I never knew that I could be this happy with someone! I cannot wait to start trying with him….I think it would be absolutely amazing to have a child with him and have this cute little family with our little on and his adorable daughter. I don’t think I could picture it any better!

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Crazy how so many things can change in such a short amount of time. So last week, the baby mom reached out to D and they settled on this last weekend for them to get together. They were meeting at McDonalds, a neutral location, to eat breakfast, see his daughter, and then go back to her place to see where she lives and then home. D called me about 4 hours after their meet-up time and said that the baby mom, S, had to run errands and asked if D wanted her for the afternoon. He jumped at the chance and he ended up bringing her back to the house. It was the first time meeting his daughter and it was absolutely wonderful! I got to see him in such a different way, all fatherly and amazing! His daughter is so adorable, well mannered, very polite, and listens really well. She was such a joy to have around. My heart melted and everything just felt so magical. It really made me fall even more in love with D, he was just such a great dad and I loved seeing him take that role on! Really gave me insight and hope as to the kind of father he would be to our child….I am smitten! That weekend, I even met and hung out with S, and actually found her pretty cool! Their dynamic was interesting, but I also feel much more at ease after meeting them. There is always this thought in the back of your head that wonders if you just pushed him back into the arms of his ex. I mean they share a different bond that he and I do not share….it may be something stronger that pulls him from me, but after meeting her and understanding their relationship, I felt so much better! It was a really great weekend.

So this weekend we are getting his daughter Friday and Saturday night….a whole weekend with her. I am very excited but also equally as terrified. I am hoping everything goes well. We had her for 4 hours just us and it went great! This is a whole different ball game, and could go horribly wrong! I am trying to keep the faith that it will go great! His daughter and I get along well, but really, it’s not that hard to get along with a 5 year old! This will be a good test for us since we are thinking about ttc soon! I am sure I will have a ton of stories to report back! I still can’t get over how fast everything went and how far D has come! He is doing fantastic at work, working on his relationship with his daughter, and going to start working towards the license. I am very excited and optimistic!

On a side note, we are now approaching  the two week mark until two of my best friend’s get married and where I will have to see my ex-husband at the wedding. We had a pretty decent talk a few days ago that calmed my nerves a bit, but I am still not looking forward to seeing him, or more importantly, HER! Really would have loved to go the rest of my life never laying eyes on her, but since that is not an option, I am going to hold my head up high and know that I won! I have the great guy, the house, the amazing looking future, and she has him, my sloppy seconds! No greater revenge than that! It is sure to be an interesting few weeks!! Wish me luck!!!

Life is Wonderful

I bought these shirts at Old Navy a few months ago that say 'Life is Wonderful' and 'Hope Is All We Need' just so I can have some positive affirmation in my life to tear down all the negativity. I think they put some serious good juju in the air because things have been going fantastic! Today I am filled with so many emotions it’s unreal. This has been a really wonderful day. So about a month ago, D had this idea to leave a letter at his daughters great grandmothers house in another attempt to get back into her life. He told me about his plan and asked for my help. Together, we sat down, wrote a letter, and he decided last Saturday he was going to drop it off. I took him over there Saturday night, and while there looked like a bit of confusion as to which house it was, he finally found it. He checked his phone all day Sunday and all day Monday, and nothing. He was feeling doubtful, so he left his phone alone all day yesterday. Late last night, we headed up to bed and he glanced at his phone and discovered a missed call. He immediately called it back, and it was the great grandparents. They said the mom had tried to call earlier but was gone for the night. He hung up a bit disappointed that he missed the call. He jumped on the computer wondering if she reached out via Facebook, and much to his surprise, she did. They both apologized to each other, and agreed to leave the past in the past and move on. She expressed how she was doing this for their daughter, and that she should have who she wants in her life. Nothing major like dates or times where he gets to see her yet, but this is a HUGE step forward in the process! I was so unbelievably happy for both him and his daughter. He is such a wonderful man, and that adorable little girl deserves to have him in her life! Not only that, but this really helps solidify my feelings for this man and our future together. I always had such a big problem with this having no contact with his children. I am so passionate about children and hated that he just walked out of her life, it really bothered me. The more we talked about it, the more I understood, but still had issues with it. I really feel like we jumped over a major hurdle and it brings us closer together and makes me feel a million times better about us trying to start a family of our own. I just feel so hopeful and happy about our future together! I love this man so much! I never could have thought I would be this happy! I am so excited for us, and I thank God everyday that by some miracle, everything worked out the way it was supposed to!