Desires of the heart

My mother asked me what I want to do for my 30^th birthday in November; my response……not to turn 30! Not that I do not love every day that I get to spend on this earth, but seriously, where the fuck has time gone?! I couldn't wait to turn 21, that was the age to be. After that milestone, I feel like time is flying by! I still feel like I am in my early 20’s. For the most part, I have things together that I hoped I would have before turning 30. I have a great job, a fantastic social life, I own my own home, I have my finances under control, and I am in a great relationship. So why am I bumming so hard about turning 30? Kids. I am nearly 30 and I am not even pregnant with my first. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have a child, working on their second, or have decided against them. Here I am, floating out in this void, trying to keep my grasp on this dream. 30 feels like the start of the clock. Up until now, I felt okay about not having a child because I had time, but everyone knows, 30 marks the start of declining fertility. That is a huge roadblock with someone whom already has fertility issues. I feel so left behind and it sucks! D and I talk often about starting my meds to see what happens, but we are undecided on the time frame. Seeing as how November is rapidly approaching…it will be very unlikely that this will happen. Being pregnant on my 30^th would be a hell of a lot better than nothing! Conversations about starting meds are always positive and we are heading in that direction, but not fast enough! I want us to take our time and come to a mutual decision, but the clock is a tickin! I do have faith that it will happen, and it will happen when it is supposed to, I just have to be patient and keep my head up, however hard it may be! I do feel strongly that it will happen within this next year though. I have even had my crazy moments and tried to play it off as ‘just trying to be prepared’ as I purchase a few odds and ends for babies! I have a little stock going in my basement of diapers, clothes, and bedding; but only because it was on clearance! :) For now, I will just enjoy my life as it is and pray that it goes in that direction soon! I read a part in a devotional that said 'God gives you the desires of your heart, or he changes your heart.' Well, my heart speaks stronger and stronger everyday for children!

Other than that dark cloud hanging over my head, things have been great! I completed my weekend job this last weekend which felt great! Working 7 days a week, non-stop, for the last 3 and a half months was exhausting but extremely rewarding! I am going to start my landscaping on the front yard soon and I have already begun updating and redecorating in the house. It has been so much fun to pick things out and decorate the house with my mom and D. Really makes the improvements we make that much more meaningful! I absolutely love being a home owner! When my mother moves out, our next plan of action is to make a room for A…she deserves to have her own space when she comes over rather than sleeping on the floor in our room. It will be great to see her reaction, for that, I cannot wait! We also have a family vacation coming up to visit my family in Arizona. My mother, D, A, and I are going out at the end of September. It is going to be very interesting and hopefully a lot of fun!

 I am truly looking forward to the future. I have been the happiest I have ever been in these last few years, even though they were some of the most trying times and times where I felt the most defeated! I love how things turned out and I couldn't imagine it any other way! I believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and I will be a mother. Just have to be patient, which we all know by now, I am clearly not! When I actually take the meds, I will pop on for updates and I am sure there will be many, and I will get to share the joy and the emotions I feel when I finally look down at that test and see that little plus sign!