Ovulated, and it feels so good!

It worked! The clomid has officially worked! And how do I know this? My Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor displayed that lovely little egg emblem that I have longed to see again! I OVULATED! This may be an easy feat for most, but ovulating does not come easy to me. I have low progesterone as well as a luteal phase defect which required me to be on Clomid to help with the ovulation and Crinone to help with the LPD. It has been about 3 years since the last time I took Clomid and have been really nervous about how effective it would be on my body this time around. This is my 1^st cycle using it, and much to my surprise and enjoyment, I got that lovely ‘Peak Fertility’ that I have been dreaming about! It felt so unbelievably good just to see that little egg staring at me, I could almost see it grinning!

I leaped out of the bathroom with my ear to ear smile and showed D! He smiled nearly as big as me and said ‘Congrats!’ and we both started to tear up a little. We are emotional freaks! Now we are on to a few more days of fun before I start Crinone and keep our fingers crossed and prayers flying while we do the dreaded two week wait! Not looking forward to those, but if it gets me closer, if not all the way to that little pink plus sign, it is all worth it! Still shocked that I am writing about this again, feels unreal! Life is amazing! We had a conversation at lunch today about things in our past we would do-over or erase. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have given you a list a mile long, nearly all of them having to do with my ex-husband, but now, I am living this life that is filled with love and happiness far above what I imagined, and it is all because of the things that have happened in my life thus far. So no, I wouldn't change or erase a thing. Every bit of pain was worth it! So now I will get back to work with my ear to ear smile and enjoy the blissful feeling of knowing that I am on the right path, and I have ovulated!

Phase one, complete!

We are officially at the baby making stage, which I must say, is the best stage of all! I ended the first round of Clomid on Friday. For the most part, it went pretty well. Only had minimal side effects from the Clomid which included light cramping, dizziness, irritability, and a small headache. Pretty much symptoms of a period, an easy trade-off if you ask me! I also started testing on my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on Friday and got my first official ‘High Fertility’ bar yesterday. I am pretty sure I would have had it Sunday, but I overslept and missed my testing window. I am super excited to see that it at least registered with High, now I am patiently waiting to see that lovely little egg symbol on my monitor to tell me that I am in ‘Peak Fertility’ territory, and that will let me know that the Clomid took and I can start the Crinone Gel, which I am so not looking forward to taking! I hear very mixed reviews, but it just doesn’t seem like it is going to be the highlight of this journey. So my window of opportunity for D and I to try would be now through the weekend. I don’t want there to be any stress for D, as I know he has a lot of responsibility and I can sense that the pressure may get to him. He has been  so wonderful about all of this, and we have been able to talk openly about everything and make some jokes about schedules and such. I am so in love with this man and this whole process with D has been great! The positivity and encouragement that he provides lets me know that this was absolutely the right time! I am looking forward to this next week! I am going to keep my fingers crossed, pray, and stay positive as I impatiently wait for the results!

And off we go!

Day one…….day one of this miraculous mission. Today is the day I took my first pill! The feeling this morning was blissful with a hint of disbelief. I honestly never thought I would be back at this place in my life, on the road to creating life. Not only did I meet someone who turned out to be nothing short of amazing, but he wants to have children with me. Two years ago, I felt hopeless, defeated, broken and lost all sense of hope. The man who was supposed to share his life with mine until death do us part devastated me and I had to watch as all of those hopes and dreams came crashing down. I had no confidence or self esteem and assumed that my life could and would never be as good as it was. I lost everything. Fast forward to today……I am with the love of my life, I have this wonderful little girl in my life that makes everything brighter, and now we are trying for kids of our own. It’s laughable that all of those thoughts even crossed my mind! I have someone who loves and respects me, not the man who took vows that meant nothing. My life is much, much better off without him! 

So here I am, starting this journey all over again, with even much more hope than ever before, but with the same amount of fear; fear that all of this won’t work. I feel ready, really ready for this journey into motherhood. I know it will be emotional, as I am not really expecting my first month to work, but I feel in my heart that I will hold my child, our child, in my arms very soon! I am taking this one day and one pill at a time! Here’s to Clomid, cheers to the baby making! 

One Day in Bearadise

This weekend was just absolutely magical. I celebrated my 30^th birthday, and what I thought was going to be a tough one turned out to be the best one of my life! I took the day off work and had a fun filled day. It started off with some yummy donuts and presents in a fully decorated house courtesy of my mother and D. We enjoyed the morning together before my mother and I got ready and spent the afternoon shopping. Lunch at Ted’s Montana Grill was incredible and I indulged in a lot of my freebies! I got back home around 4 where I got packed for a weekend at a cabin with D and his sister and friends. It was this breathtaking cabin just outside of Woodland Park aptly named ‘Bearadise’ as it was purely paradise. It has 4 private bedrooms, a hot tub, air hockey table, tons of games and entertainment areas and the blissful atmosphere that put us all at ease. We arrived at this beauty a few minutes ahead of D’s sister and when we entered, it was decked out in decoration and some bottles of wine to help ease the pain of turning 30 :) We toasted with some wine to celebrate the start of what was sure to be a lovely weekend! About 3 hours into our mini stay-cation, D took me downstairs to our room and we basked in our newly found privacy. We shared this wonderful moment that really made me feel like I was in the presence of true love. He told me to sit tight and he would be right back. He was gone for a few minutes and returned telling me to close my eyes. I did so, and opened them a minute later to him kneeling before me with a mini hat box. He told me that he had one last gift for me. He wanted me to know that this isn’t just some fleeting thing for him, he was in it for the long haul. He loves me and wants a future with me. He told me to open the box. Inside this beautiful box contained 2 baby pacifiers to which he said, ‘I hope he or she enjoys them! I want a baby with you!’ And the tears poured out! I scooped him up in my arms and cried tears of pure joy! Never have I felt so loved and so happy in my life! It was truly the most amazing gift! 

So that was our sign, that was the start of our baby journey! The rest of the weekend was spent enjoying each other and taking advantage of these baby free moments for as long as we have them! I simply cannot wait! And if that’s not enough of a sign, a friend of mine gave me a Kokopelli (God of Fertility) bookmark on Sunday at my birthday dinner. She didn’t even know about my gift from D. She just told me she saw it and something told her to get it for me! :) I am ready for this journey, it absolutely feels right!

The bright side of things

So things didn't go according to plan, rarely do they ever, but that is okay. The unanimous vote for this month was a resounding no. A little more time was needed for both and I am truly okay with it. Truth be told, I am a little nervous and anxious, and I felt ill prepared. The past few weeks have been insane with work and schedules and figuring out a new routine, everything felt rushed which caused that feeling of anxiety. So rather than stress and have those feelings attached to it, we decided to push it to next month. This just means I get to drink and celebrate my 1^st anniversary of turning 29, or as others may call it, my 30^th birthday. I would have loved to be surprised on my birthday with a positive test, but a Christmas surprise works just as well J I went to a Women of Faith conference this weekend that completely changed my attitude. I learned to not stress about the specifics as I know that God will take control of it and he will provide. I no longer get too hung up on deadlines or timelines. I now focus on the fact that I am back at this place where I am actually able to try again. I honestly wasn't sure I would be here, at least with man. I was almost tempted to get a donor and see what happened there. I am truly blessed with my life and how things are going, and I need to focus on that and give God my praise and all my worries. I am at a good part in my life, great in fact, and I am going to relish in that. Things will happen when they are supposed to and I am going to do my best to help them along, but I am going to continue to enjoy life and be happy for the things I do have. I still can’t believe that this is my life, that I get to share my life with an amazing man who I am so in love with. I get to spend my days not only with him, but his beautiful and wonderful daughter who I love and cherish. Couldn't ask for a better life!

To beautiful beginings

So….D and I have decided to start trying at the end of this month! I am incredibly excited and also immensely terrified! It is so strange to be back at this place but in a whole different context and a whole other part of my life. The last 2 years have been absolutely insane, and it just amazes me that I have come full circle, but in a better way. Life right now is great. Simply put. It is chaotic at times, but it is truly great! Things with D and I are moving along and we get stronger every day. He is such an important part of my life and really feels like I may have met my soul mate. We get each other and we love each other, he is my best friend, and I just couldn't imagine my life without him! Over the past 6 month, we, along with A, have become like a little family. I think that is what sparked everything. We co-parent so well together, and we have been growing so much that it opened up the gates for all of the baby talk. We have been making little references just to see the others reaction and eventually started to talk, really talk to one another about our fears and our desires. Each was a bit different than the others, but we talked things out and decided that as long as we have patience, understanding, and communication with each other, than everything else will just fall into place. We have the love, we have the desire, we just need the baby. We decided that the start of my next cycle, which is a week and a half, I will take my meds and we will give it a go. I am super nervous that they may not work, and I do not want to fall into that cycle where I break down every time I get my period. But I have faith. I feel so strongly that this will happen, maybe not the first month, but soon after. I feel like things are far better than they ever were, and I would be ecstatic to have a little one to add to our family. The fact that I am able to say those words again after all that has happened is in itself, a miracle. Looking forward to posting my journey again into this crazy world of fertility! 

Desires of the heart

My mother asked me what I want to do for my 30^th birthday in November; my response……not to turn 30! Not that I do not love every day that I get to spend on this earth, but seriously, where the fuck has time gone?! I couldn't wait to turn 21, that was the age to be. After that milestone, I feel like time is flying by! I still feel like I am in my early 20’s. For the most part, I have things together that I hoped I would have before turning 30. I have a great job, a fantastic social life, I own my own home, I have my finances under control, and I am in a great relationship. So why am I bumming so hard about turning 30? Kids. I am nearly 30 and I am not even pregnant with my first. Most of my friends are either pregnant, have a child, working on their second, or have decided against them. Here I am, floating out in this void, trying to keep my grasp on this dream. 30 feels like the start of the clock. Up until now, I felt okay about not having a child because I had time, but everyone knows, 30 marks the start of declining fertility. That is a huge roadblock with someone whom already has fertility issues. I feel so left behind and it sucks! D and I talk often about starting my meds to see what happens, but we are undecided on the time frame. Seeing as how November is rapidly approaching…it will be very unlikely that this will happen. Being pregnant on my 30^th would be a hell of a lot better than nothing! Conversations about starting meds are always positive and we are heading in that direction, but not fast enough! I want us to take our time and come to a mutual decision, but the clock is a tickin! I do have faith that it will happen, and it will happen when it is supposed to, I just have to be patient and keep my head up, however hard it may be! I do feel strongly that it will happen within this next year though. I have even had my crazy moments and tried to play it off as ‘just trying to be prepared’ as I purchase a few odds and ends for babies! I have a little stock going in my basement of diapers, clothes, and bedding; but only because it was on clearance! :) For now, I will just enjoy my life as it is and pray that it goes in that direction soon! I read a part in a devotional that said 'God gives you the desires of your heart, or he changes your heart.' Well, my heart speaks stronger and stronger everyday for children!

Other than that dark cloud hanging over my head, things have been great! I completed my weekend job this last weekend which felt great! Working 7 days a week, non-stop, for the last 3 and a half months was exhausting but extremely rewarding! I am going to start my landscaping on the front yard soon and I have already begun updating and redecorating in the house. It has been so much fun to pick things out and decorate the house with my mom and D. Really makes the improvements we make that much more meaningful! I absolutely love being a home owner! When my mother moves out, our next plan of action is to make a room for A…she deserves to have her own space when she comes over rather than sleeping on the floor in our room. It will be great to see her reaction, for that, I cannot wait! We also have a family vacation coming up to visit my family in Arizona. My mother, D, A, and I are going out at the end of September. It is going to be very interesting and hopefully a lot of fun!

 I am truly looking forward to the future. I have been the happiest I have ever been in these last few years, even though they were some of the most trying times and times where I felt the most defeated! I love how things turned out and I couldn't imagine it any other way! I believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to and I will be a mother. Just have to be patient, which we all know by now, I am clearly not! When I actually take the meds, I will pop on for updates and I am sure there will be many, and I will get to share the joy and the emotions I feel when I finally look down at that test and see that little plus sign!