Ch Ch Ch Changes

Crazy how so many things can change in such a short amount of time. So last week, the baby mom reached out to D and they settled on this last weekend for them to get together. They were meeting at McDonalds, a neutral location, to eat breakfast, see his daughter, and then go back to her place to see where she lives and then home. D called me about 4 hours after their meet-up time and said that the baby mom, S, had to run errands and asked if D wanted her for the afternoon. He jumped at the chance and he ended up bringing her back to the house. It was the first time meeting his daughter and it was absolutely wonderful! I got to see him in such a different way, all fatherly and amazing! His daughter is so adorable, well mannered, very polite, and listens really well. She was such a joy to have around. My heart melted and everything just felt so magical. It really made me fall even more in love with D, he was just such a great dad and I loved seeing him take that role on! Really gave me insight and hope as to the kind of father he would be to our child….I am smitten! That weekend, I even met and hung out with S, and actually found her pretty cool! Their dynamic was interesting, but I also feel much more at ease after meeting them. There is always this thought in the back of your head that wonders if you just pushed him back into the arms of his ex. I mean they share a different bond that he and I do not share….it may be something stronger that pulls him from me, but after meeting her and understanding their relationship, I felt so much better! It was a really great weekend.

So this weekend we are getting his daughter Friday and Saturday night….a whole weekend with her. I am very excited but also equally as terrified. I am hoping everything goes well. We had her for 4 hours just us and it went great! This is a whole different ball game, and could go horribly wrong! I am trying to keep the faith that it will go great! His daughter and I get along well, but really, it’s not that hard to get along with a 5 year old! This will be a good test for us since we are thinking about ttc soon! I am sure I will have a ton of stories to report back! I still can’t get over how fast everything went and how far D has come! He is doing fantastic at work, working on his relationship with his daughter, and going to start working towards the license. I am very excited and optimistic!

On a side note, we are now approaching  the two week mark until two of my best friend’s get married and where I will have to see my ex-husband at the wedding. We had a pretty decent talk a few days ago that calmed my nerves a bit, but I am still not looking forward to seeing him, or more importantly, HER! Really would have loved to go the rest of my life never laying eyes on her, but since that is not an option, I am going to hold my head up high and know that I won! I have the great guy, the house, the amazing looking future, and she has him, my sloppy seconds! No greater revenge than that! It is sure to be an interesting few weeks!! Wish me luck!!!

Life is Wonderful

I bought these shirts at Old Navy a few months ago that say 'Life is Wonderful' and 'Hope Is All We Need' just so I can have some positive affirmation in my life to tear down all the negativity. I think they put some serious good juju in the air because things have been going fantastic! Today I am filled with so many emotions it’s unreal. This has been a really wonderful day. So about a month ago, D had this idea to leave a letter at his daughters great grandmothers house in another attempt to get back into her life. He told me about his plan and asked for my help. Together, we sat down, wrote a letter, and he decided last Saturday he was going to drop it off. I took him over there Saturday night, and while there looked like a bit of confusion as to which house it was, he finally found it. He checked his phone all day Sunday and all day Monday, and nothing. He was feeling doubtful, so he left his phone alone all day yesterday. Late last night, we headed up to bed and he glanced at his phone and discovered a missed call. He immediately called it back, and it was the great grandparents. They said the mom had tried to call earlier but was gone for the night. He hung up a bit disappointed that he missed the call. He jumped on the computer wondering if she reached out via Facebook, and much to his surprise, she did. They both apologized to each other, and agreed to leave the past in the past and move on. She expressed how she was doing this for their daughter, and that she should have who she wants in her life. Nothing major like dates or times where he gets to see her yet, but this is a HUGE step forward in the process! I was so unbelievably happy for both him and his daughter. He is such a wonderful man, and that adorable little girl deserves to have him in her life! Not only that, but this really helps solidify my feelings for this man and our future together. I always had such a big problem with this having no contact with his children. I am so passionate about children and hated that he just walked out of her life, it really bothered me. The more we talked about it, the more I understood, but still had issues with it. I really feel like we jumped over a major hurdle and it brings us closer together and makes me feel a million times better about us trying to start a family of our own. I just feel so hopeful and happy about our future together! I love this man so much! I never could have thought I would be this happy! I am so excited for us, and I thank God everyday that by some miracle, everything worked out the way it was supposed to!

Feeling ridiculous!

In a funk today, could blame it on the weather or how my day has gone, in any case, the need for this day to be over incessantly grows! Nothing too big, just a bunch of little things went off to create that snowball effect, and once is starts, good luck getting out of it! For me, I feel slighted when something goes wrong, like the universe hates me, no matter how small this something may be. Very emo and self-absorbed I know, but hey, gotta be honest here. So when that something happens, I then start to reflect on everything that has gone south in the last year and reflect on it as if I have been the target of all things bad. Typing this out, I am literally laughing at how pathetic I am….I mean half of this stuff is really first world problems and are pretty small on a scale of disasters! Yet I still insist on going down this path! I think I may be crazy! But that’s what happened today, one small thing that turned into 2 small things that snowballed its way down my path of broken dreams and despair! Haha! I actually think that writing about how ridiculous I get has pulled me slightly out of this funk! It’s funny what our psyche can do to us!

Well, now that all of that is out of the way, I should mention that VEGAS is in ONE WEEK! So looking forward to having a vacation where I can kick back, relax, get smashed, and create some fun memories with my love! Going to be a lot of fun! I’m actually surprised things came together and we are really going. Seemed kind of touch and go with everyone’s finances and schedules, but we are going! I think that is exactly what I need, to get out of this city and just have fun! When I get back, it is nothing but strict diet and exercise for me! My friend’s wedding is in 8 weeks! Need to lose at least 20 for it, gonna be hard, but I think I can do it! Will be the first time that my ex-husband and I will be in the same room together, hell, the first time that myself, my ex-husband, his whore, and my boyfriend will be in the same room together! Definitely not looking forward to that! This whole subject may be the cause of some serious anxiety and stress in my life! Excited to see two of my best friends get married, but can’t wait until it’s over!

After that…..BABY time! Getting excited for that too! Can’t wait to actually start trying again! Makes me nervous but also incredibly excited! D has now moved on to that exciting phase with me….we pass a cute little kid at the store and he looks at me with these sweet and loving eyes and tells me that he can’t wait to have a little one with me! Those moments are absolutely wonderful and fill me with such joy! People may think I am crazy, but everything just feels so right, it’s hard to explain! I am so ready for this! D also gets really cute when I start talking about random fertility facts or tips I read, which are a ton of them, but he seems to intrigued by all of this and incredibly supportive! I learned that eating a whole pineapple (Core and all) helps thicken the lining of the uterus for conception, and will help with part of my luteal phase defect….he said he would buy me all the pineapple I needed! He is super sweet and I am extremely lucky to have him in my life! So excited for the next few months, just got to make it through a few things first!

2014....My lucky year (I hope)

It’s officially 2014 and the start of a new year! It’s been so busy in the last few months I have barely had time to sit down and think let alone blog! The holiday season came and went but was actually pretty amazing! Just a short recap of the events:

Thanksgiving was held at my house with invitations sent out to those who didn’t have anywhere to go. Some friends of mine started it a few years back and I thought it was pretty cool so I decided to host this year not knowing that others did the same! It ended up being myself, D and my mom and D’s family. My mom and I did most of the food which was fun….I liked cooking a big dinner with my mom, felt like old times! People came, ate, played games, and created memories. Turned out to be great and a bit chaotic which lead to the decision that Christmas dinner would be low key and simple. We had a lot of holiday parties that we partook in that included a hockey game, a secret Santa party, a massive dinner, and fun gift drop-offs! I was super into the holiday spirit this year! We had a fun Ugly sweater party at work along with a ton of Christmas cookies and random gifts. It really made me fall in love with Christmas all over again! Christmas eve my mom and I played Santa and delivered gifts and then returned home to pick up D and do dinner out. We returned home and cuddled up watching A Christmas Story on repeat until about 10p when we decided to go look at lights. That is my family tradition….I think my mom was genius for coming up with something that exhausted the kids and allowed her to sleep in! We returned back home around midnight and did our gift exchange! We went to bed around 1 and woke up on Christmas at 10…HEAVEN! Made yummy muffins and sipped coffee while watching yet another round of A Christmas Story! It was wonderful and probably one of my favorite Christmas’s yet! New Years Eve was just as great! D and I decided to go out with some of his friends for NYE and do it up in style! We got all dressed up and went out on the town! We arranged a ride so no one had to drink and drive. It was great getting to sip some Jack and Ginger while dancing with my love on the dance floor not caring who was watching! It struck midnight and D scooped me up and we kissed our way into the new year with confetti and streamers flying all around! It was magical! I had so much fun!

Now that all the hoopla is over with and the excitement has died down, it’s now time to return to normal. New year brings new beginnings and I have so many great plans! Now with this being said, I am fully aware that as much as I plan, God always has his own set of plans, and nothing is ever for certain! So I am going into this with an open mind! D and I are going to Vegas with some friends in February, and I am super excited and very much looking forward to it! Can’t wait! After that, I think we are going to start TTC….again, this is if things go according to plan! Nothing in my life has gone according to plan, and I tried like hell to make it go, but it’s gone pretty well thus far, so I have faith. I know TTC with someone I have only known a year (9 days will be a year!!) sounds crazy, but it feels right. I rarely act on impulse, and this has been something in the works for a bit, but the timing just feels right! I really can’t wait to see what this year has in store…I’m sure it will be nothing short of chaotic, just hoping something good comes from it!

Coming to the end of an era

Well….I have now entered the last year of my 20’s, kind of sad and definitely not looking forward to next year’s birthday! I do have to say, that is was probably the best birthday of my 20’s, so if it has to come to an end, I’m glad it ended this way! The morning started by fresh baked cinnamon rolls and coffee in bed by my wonderful boyfriend. When I finally emerged out of that heaven, I made my way to the living room where him and my mom had decorated. I got to open a gift and a card early and was ecstatic to see an Itunes Gift Card in that little box! We talked for a bit and slowly migrated off on our separate ways to work. When I arrived at work, my cubicle was decorated by one of my best friends and an awesome cup of coffee was waiting for me! Mid morning, I was asked to come to the front desk and was wildly surprised by the beautiful bouquet of roses sitting on the desk all for me!  They came with a wonderful card and instantly put a smile on my face! My amazing boyfriend has outdone himself! They were perfect! Lunch was a decadent three course meal at this fantastic restaurant in the Springs and was perfectly paired with the chocolate cake that my boss had brought it! We did dinner at a delicious hibachi restaurant with friends and a really yummy adult drink and was followed by gifts and dessert at the house. I felt spoiled as I opened my wonderful gifts of kitchen accessories, fuzzy socks, lotions and perfumes, and a season of American Horror Story! It had to have been just one of the best days! Who knew that it could get better?! I took the next day off of work and slept in until 10 which was magical! I did some randomness around the house and finally ventured out to be a bit rebellious and got my nose pierced, which I am in love with! I picked up D right after work and he told me to take him to best buy. We walked in and he took me over to the electronics and told me that he is buying me a tablet. I had a look of pure shock on my face! He told me that he wants to do this because of all the sweet things I did for him and how I let him borrow my laptop while he was unemployed. I couldn’t believe how selfless this man was! I have never had a gift like this and honestly, I felt so guilty for it! He finally convinced me and we walked away with a Surface 2! I am still speechless and feel insanely spoiled! I wanted to thank him and I couldn’t think of a better way than to surprise him with a little getaway with the birthday money I received to celebrate 10 months. We went to this cute little hotel just outside of Denver on Saturday night. We did dinner at Cheesecake Factory and an awesome walk around a fantastic mall that was covered in Christmas decor! The night was perfect…filled with love, passion, romance, and fun! I couldn’t have asked for a better night! This had honestly been one of the best weekends ever! I had no idea that I could ever be this happy! D is truly a remarkable person and I fall in love with him more and more every day! I get excited to see where this goes and the future we will have together! I don’t know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I thank God everyday! On a side note…I think we are talking about starting my meds in January to see if we can conceive. It makes me super nervous and excited at the same time, but I feel like it is the right decision and I feel like we are making good and rational choices. We are still in the talking phase of this and nothing has been decided, but it makes me very happy!

It's the simple things

I had to take some time out of the night to write about tonight so that I never forget this moment. Tonight, D and I came downstairs after grabbing some dinner and settled in to some relaxation which includes video games for him and television for me. No good shows were on tonight until late, so I decided to throw on "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". I asked him if he had ever seen it and he said that he saw bits and pieces. He asked me the same, and I told him that I took myself out to see this in theaters alone. This came out in October of last year, just shortly after my husband had left me. I remember sitting alone in the dark theater thinking that my life was just pure shit. I hadn't felt that kind of loneliness and emptiness in my life. The movie was incredible, but there was this one line in the movie that instantly reduced me to a weeping hot mess. "We accept the love we think we deserve"....such a power phrase. All I could think was that I must not feel like I deserve much since I am begging this man to stay in my life who could treat me so poorly. How could I want a man back that clearly didn't love me?! At that moment, I felt like I hit rock bottom. I was broken and destroyed. At that moment, I felt like I lost everything and there was absolutely no way that I could ever be happy or have anything remotely as wonderful as I had it. Fast forward to tonight....I have this wonderful man beside me that put his game away, and sat beside me holding my hand and kissing the top of my head. All of this because he wanted the second time I saw this movie to be wonderful to make up for the first time I saw it. The very end has a sweet little line to the affect of looking up and seeing a beautiful woman....suddenly, a hand gently caressed my cheek and slowly moved it to face him. He looked at me and told me I was so beautiful and kissed me. That moment, I felt more love than I have ever before. This man did something so simple but meant the absolute world to me. I never could have imagined that my life would look like this today. I didn't feel like I deserved anything, let alone an ounce of love. I told D that was how I felt a year ago. He told me that I was so sweet and wonderful, and deserved all the love in the world. I am absolutely in love with this man. I don't know how it happened, but I would do it a million times over just for him. It's amazing how much can change in just one year. Every tear, every pain, every crappy moment was absolutely worth the end result. I am so happy! Thank you to the man that threw me away so that the man who appreciates me and loves me could appear and sweep me off my feet!

Time flies when you are having fun!

Been a while since I have had the time to write a new post….guess that’s a good thing! Things have been going exceptionally well! It has officially been over a year since my now ex-husband left me. It has been an incredibly rough year, but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything! I learned so much about myself in such a short amount of time and feel like I have really grown as a person. I found strength I didn’t even know I had, realized that I do have the ability to lose weight and make life changes, and achieved things I didn’t know were possible. All of this didn’t come easy, and came with a lot of heartache and regret and made me a little more guarded and jaded but also left some wounds of insecurity and an inability to fully trust. I look back and am so proud at what I have done and all I have accomplished! I also look back and realize just how happy I really am at this point in my life! Life may not have worked out like I had planned, but I am pleasantly surprised in just how wonderful it has become! D was probably one of the biggest and best surprises in my life! I found his sexy little profile pic on my dating site search and got the courage to message him doubting that he would respond, and to my astonishment, he did respond! Our first date was rough, but the little kiss at the end had so much chemistry in it that I just had to have a second date, and I am so happy that we did! Every day that I spend with him gets better and better and I fall more in love with him every day! He isn’t perfect by any means, but he makes me happy and I really see great things in our future! We are coming up on 10 months of being together, but it honestly feels like we have known each other for years! I am constantly amazed by him and my love for him. I didn’t think it was possible to love again, and I have never felt such passion and lust for someone or felt that passion and lust for me. I decided last week to ask D to move in with me….he pretty much does anyway, but this will make it more official! I do find it kind of silly that we were talking about making a child together before we talked about living together! We are so not the norm by any means! Looking forward to having him live with me….I miss him so much when he is gone! And as far as the child thing goes…I am currently testing my ovulation and plan to lose another 20 pounds before we try. I am hoping to talk more about it and see where we are around the first of the year! I feel so blessed and so happy and optimistic about life now! I can’t wait to see what happens for us!