Getting Real!

Being real……..not easy to do. I want to sugar coat it and put it out there that everything has been great, when it reality, I am a freaking hot mess!

I have suffered through infertility for 8 years now. I have had 11 medicated cycles, 5 failed IUI’s and now am going through IVF. I go in tomorrow to find out my beta and see if my little poppy seed stuck, but I am not feeling hopeful. I know the feeling of disappointment all too well when it comes to fertility. I have gone through countless tests that all say the same thing, NOPE! It just plain sucks, and does not get any easier. This time around, I have been on a massive rollercoaster of emotions since I had my transfer.

Since day 1 of the transfer until 6 days past the transfer, I have had cramping, that has felt just like period cramping. On Saturday, which was 5 days past, I felt miserable, I had cramping and lower back pain like crazy. Because I like to torture myself, I went on Google. First of all, if you are going through this or anything related to fertility, STAY OFF GOOGLE! Just like the phrase, “Nothing good ever happens after 2am”; Nothing good happens when you Google. All it did was convince me that I wasn’t pregnant, or that if I was, it would show up on a test, so I tested. NOPE! After more reading, I came to the conclusion that it was probably too early. So what did I do? I Googled more! What is wrong with me?! Throughout these 8 days, I have had cramping, lower back pain, dizziness, fatigue, sore breasts, milky white discharge, and a heavy feeling in my uterus. All sound like great signs for early pregnancy, but it could also be attributed to the progesterone injections I am on, as well as the estrogen patches I have. Or, I could be pregnant. Who the hell knows?!

So how do I currently feel? Depends on the time of day quite honestly. I wake up and feel hopeful as I pop my prenatal vitamin. As my shower goes on, I flip flop between it worked and it didn’t. Putting on my makeup, I study my face to see if I have a glow, and convince myself that I do and it worked. Putting on my clothes, I glance at my breasts and see if they appear larger or different in any way, and then declare that it didn’t work. On the way to work, I throw on some Christian music to calm my soul, and end up talking to my embaby telling it to hang on while praying and crying the whole way. Can we blame part of this behavior on the hormones I am on?! During my 9 hours at work, I have full conversations in my mind of did it/didn’t it, as well as imagining getting the call either way and how I will react. I try to come up with a plan for each scenario, also while sneaking in a Google search or two. On my drive home, I do more of the same as my drive to work. When I get home, I have now exhausted myself and my brain from the entire day of events and end up passing out by 8pm.

I wish I could say that all of that was an exaggeration, but sadly, it is not. I over analyze every feeling, every symptom and every thought. But the simple truth is, there is nothing I can do, it is completely out of my hands and in God’s hands. But why is that so hard to accept? Because I am a control freak, and I hate admitting that I am not in control and completely powerless in this situation. I have done all I can do, and if it is His will, it will be. No matter what, I will be okay. I am confident that He will bless me with a child, if not now, then possibly the next time, because I will not give up! I go in tomorrow morning for my beta test, good or bad; I can handle it because He is on my side. I am asking now as I always do, if you are reading this, please send a happy thought or prayer my way! Much love to you all, and I will update soon.