Broken Heart

I wanted to take a break from my typical entries to talk about something that absolutely breaks my heart. My mother and I had to come to the tough decision of putting my beloved family dog Kyiah to sleep. My beautiful and lovely, one of a kind companion will be leaving this world tonight. Almost 16 years ago, we wandered down the aisles of our local humane society looking for the perfect match for our family. This group of dogs huddled together caught my eye. It was a momma dog with her 6 little puppies. 4 boys and 2 girls. I looked in the back, and here was this beautiful little girl looking so lonely and so scared. That beautiful little puppy became OUR beautiful little puppy! We took her home and she ran right to one of our slippers, curled up in it, and chewed her way to sleep. Through the years, she has matured and become easily my favorite pet of all time. She is always there, always giving kisses, and even her little hugs. Many housing changes and moves across states, she was easy going and adjusted well. The last few years as she entered into the life of a senior, she started changing, and not for the better. Things seemed so much harder than they should have been, and she lost that sparkle in her eye. It was hard watching her, and I convinced myself that she was okay, but when I took a step back, I realized that she wouldn’t get any better. But I also knew that she wasn’t that bad yet. I still had time, not a lot, but some. The last month was a different story and I had to face it, her quality of life no longer looked the same as it has. This beautiful puppy who turned into an incredible dog was nearing the end of her long and wonderful life. It was the absolute hardest decision I have made in my life, but we decided to end her struggle and pain and transition her into her new life in heaven. I have only 2 short little hours left before I have to say goodbye to a friend I have had for half of my life. My heart is breaking and there are no words. The only thing I can say is; thank you Kyiah, for being the best friend/perfect dog in my life. No one can fill those shoes. You have a place in my heart, now and forever!

In Need Of Some Hope

I can’t even begin to explain how broken-hearted I am at the moment. As I am trying this, my statistic has now been changed to TWO failed IUI’s. This hit me harder than last months. I didn't have too high of an expectation last time. I figured, rarely does anything happen on the first try. So I had a hint of optimism, but wasn't expecting anything to come from it. So when I started spotting the day before I was to test, it bummed me out, and I cried a bit, but it seemed easy to move on and get excited for round 2. This month was a completely different story. It just started off better overall. I had a bigger follicle on my left side, this month had very little stress attached to it, the tests all looked good, and we were even able to have some fun a few times after. I felt so good about it all. As I entered my TWW, I didn't really even focus on anything until last week. I was feeling pretty good, just a little crampy and sore boobs, which was new to this process. Inside, I was reeling with happiness, and I just felt pregnant. I became a little nervous on Sunday as that is when I started spotting last month. But a whole day came and went with nothing! I got up this morning, so eager to test. I ran to the bathroom, pulled out a FR and a CBE Digital. A whole five minutes later and my dreams were shattered! One fucking pink line and the heartbreaking ‘NOT PREGNANT’ is what I got instead! I couldn't even breathe. I was so fucking sure that it had worked this month. I just started sobbing. I cleaned up my mess, left the bathroom, and crawled back into bed with D. I was still sobbing and he asked if I was okay. He must have realized why I was crying, because he squeezed me tightly and told me I didn't need to say anything, and he was so sorry. That meant the world to me. I didn't feel so alone in this. I picked myself back up and continued with the rest of my day. I just feel so angry, confused, upset, frustrated, devastated and hopeless!  I cannot shake this crummy feeling. I just want to curl up and cry! I hate this roller coaster of emotions I am on, and I hate that I cannot seem to make this happen, no matter how hard I try! It is the single most frustrating thing I have ever done in my life! I get so close and it just gets ripped away! I know I am not the only woman in the world to go through this, but fuck, this sucks! It is so hard to not take this personally. You evaluate your life and choices and wonder if you had done things differently, would there be a different result?! Is there a reason why this is not happening for me? I just don’t get it!

So now, I am faced with IUI #3. All of eggs lay in one basket. You see, IUI’s are statistically successful within the first three, and if you are not successful after those three, it’s not very likely that IUI’s will work for you. My dr. told me that we will do this one more time, and if it doesn't work, then we will get together, and talk about other methods. Well, the only remaining method of somewhat natural conception would be IVF. Now if I made more than a typical middle class woman, this would not be a problem, sign me up! But I, along with millions, can barely afford a pedicure let alone a $15,000 procedure! So this seems to be my last shot. I am all out of money and options, and this is one of the worst feelings! 2 of 2 IUI’s failed, what are the chances of this one working?! This fucking sucks! Plain and simple! I cannot even leave this entry with a hopeful and cheesy one liner of how I can’t wait to try this again, because at this point in time, I feel like it is completely useless and utterly hopeless!

Take Two!

I am feeling great today! I just did my 2^nd IUI this morning and I have such a great feeling about it! I can’t really explain why I feel so different, I just do. A part of it has to do with the amount of stress in my life. It has decreased dramatically, and I am pretty freaking happy about that. This have settled down and seem to be going pretty well…***knock on wood! Another part of it has to do with the process itself. I have been feeling better overall lately, and going in this morning, it was just such a positive morning, it made my attitude better. The injection process went better than last time, I got to use Ovidrel again, which goes in my stomach, rather than Novarel which went in my upper butt cheek, which sucked! I also had a much bigger follicle on my left side, and that makes me happy! Today, I was able to have the dr. do the IUI rather than the nurse practioner do the procedure. No disrespect to the NP, but she had a hard time getting the catheter in and it felt like she didn’t get it in the right spot. It was way too easy and I had some run-out. Today, the dr. got right in, knew exactly where to go, it felt crampy and was a bit uncomfortable. There was also no run-out, which was awesome! It felt better overall and gave me a great feeling!

So I am now entering the two week wait, ugh! Soooo happy to be at this point, and I am absolutely not complaining, but I do not do well with waiting! I am incredibly impatient! The tww is insanely hard and borderline torturous! But I will get through it! Fingers crossed and lots of prayers! By the grace of God, I hope to be updating soon with a positive result to go with my positive attitude! 

Confessions of a Face-stalker

Technology has been my friend throughout the years, but it has also made me into a crazy person. I couldn't even tell you how many hours I have spent on Google self-diagnosing or searching out anything and everything to do with fertility. Not only that, but I have to confess, I am a Facebook stalker. I creep on and through peoples profiles. I cannot help it, I have a need to be nosy! I don’t get nuts about people or anything, but I like to see what people have been up to, check out some photos and that pretty much sums it up. This has lead to this funk that I have been in recently. To back track, let me explain that my wonderful and supportive man D has very strong swimmers that have helped him in creating 4 separate humans with 4 different women. The first one is a boy who is now 12. The Mom ran off with another man when the boy was only 7 months old and has been with that man since. That guy has adopted him and knows nothing of D. The second of course, is little miss A. The little light in my life! The third is another boy, who is 5 and resides in Las Vegas. The mom and D split amicably while she was still pregnant. And the last little one is a little girl who is 3. His last relationship before me was with this woman who moved from Alaska, they dated briefly, she became pregnant, and wanted to move back to Alaska with D. He couldn't leave because of A, so the mom decided to put the baby up for adoption. She has since been adopted by a lovely couple. So now that the mechanics are out of the way, here is why I am in a funk:

These women, all different in personality and appearance, have one thing in common. A wonderful child who shares DNA with D. All of them carry these strong genes that make them resemble D with just a hint of the other person. This is a tough one for me. Knowing that each of these women so thoughtlessly and effortlessly just became pregnant. Continuing with my previous conversation, I tend to go on to Facebook and look at pics of these children. Wondering what their personalities are like, noticing all of the genetic traits D has passed off to them, and to see the similarities in likes/dislikes. All of these children, little pieces of D spread all over, creating life without any struggle. It is hard to think about these women who just fell into pregnancy and motherhood. The struggle I face seems so unfair, and it makes me so angry sometimes, but then I remind myself of where I am today, and how I am still able to try and still believe that I will be pregnant. I daydream of what our child will look like. No doubt, it will more than likely be a reflection of D with just a hint of myself, but I wonder if they will look like each other. I see hints of A within the little girl who was adopted. And in the older boy, he looks just like a miniature D. I also think about our children, and wonder if they will ever get the chance to know their siblings or even meet them. I loved knowing I had a brother out in the world, even though I have only started talking to him a year ago. It’s nice to know where you come from and what family you have out there! Who knows what the future holds….

I may sound crazy, but unless you have been down this road of infertility, you have no idea what it can do to your mind and body. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I have done in my life! It is a rough road, and I know there is still work to be done, but hopefully soon, I can enjoy the spoils of motherhood and relish in the little life that we created!

Feeling Good

Well, we are all set for round 2! I went in for my scan and it went better than I hoped for! I have no cysts and that was a really good sign. She looked at might right ovary and then my left. One thing she said that got me feeling really hopeful was the discovery of a lot of little follicles on my left ovary. I go back on the 31st for my CD12 scan to see how they look. I am hoping for a left side full of follicles! I have a really good feeling about this month! It is turning out to be way less stressful than last month, thank God! It has a whole different feel than last month, something I cannot explain. So lots of prayers or thoughts would be appreciated to anyone who may stumble upon this blog! Left side, left side, left side!!!!!

Try and Try Again!

Well, we are back to square one! My first round of IUI was unsuccessful unfortunately. I was kind of doubtful anyway, just because we have been under so much stress lately, I knew it was taking a toll on my body. I made it through the torturous two week wait to be greeted with lovely AF. What a bummer. I was really disappointed and upset and felt like a failure yet again. It is so hard to not personalize your loss because all you feel is pain and frustration with absolutely no one to blame. Shit happens, plain and simple. We can do our very best, and keep trying,  but it may not happen. I will tell you that I won’t give up though. I am going into this new month with high hopes, positive outlook, and a much better feeling about this one than the other. So today is officially my CD1. I have an appointment scheduled for my CD2 scan tomorrow, and we will continue on this month to hopefully be able to do round 2 of IUI. Fingers crossed and lots of prayers for success this time around!

As I mentioned before, stress has been the ongoing theme in our life this last month. D and I ended up getting temporary full custody of A, as her mom goes through rehab. Going from a part time family to full time family has not been without it’s challenges. We have had to deal with her mom’s family which included stalking, a plethora of phone calls and texts, and numerous attempts to take A. Then, when we thought all of that was behind us, we had to deal with D’s family. They were supposed to watch A while we were at work until she starts school next month. Well, long story short, that all came crashing down over $30. We ended up getting her into a wonderful daycare, but the stress of dealing with family members, figuring out new schedules, adjusting to lack of privacy and personal time and trying to work with the little bit of money we have has left me feeling wore out and broke down. It has been exhausting to say the least. I think I can safely say that things seem to be looking up and calming down, just hope they stay that way. I intend on taking better care of my physical and mental health this time around, and hopefully that leads to a nice positive result! :)

Not a fan of the Two Week Wait!

Tales from an obsessed woman......I cannot stop using Google, nor can I focus for more than 15 minutes without thinking about the result from my IUI. Neither of which help me, it just makes me even more crazy! On Google, I use every combination of the words 'IUI' 'Success' and 'Unicornute Uterus'. I find next to nothing on my searches. What I have come across are pages of Women who have a UU completely skipping IUI and going straight to IVF. Not sure how these women find it possible to jump to a $10,000 procedure, but more power to them. I have yet to find an uplifting story about a woman who has UU, who did an IUI and was successful. This frustrates me! The simple solution would be to simply not search for anything. Really, reading tons of entries on blogs will not change my outcome. It will not help me achieve a positive pregnancy test, it only stresses me out more, which is not good. But here is my predicament, I work an office job from 8-5 every day. I sit here at my desk, working away with constant thoughts of babies, medical procedures, and possible pregnancies dominating my every thought. I have Google readily available on my desktop just staring at me. I tell myself a million times "don't do it, don't give in", but the urge just builds until I cannot stand it any longer, and I give in. Like that moment you give in to that piece of chocolate cake you don't need. It satisfies the craving, but you feel terrible after. That is where I am at today.

My head goes between thinking that; yes, this is totally possible, it can and will happen this time. You have 2 great follicles, great lining, clear tubes, great swimmers, and healthy baby making parts. People get pregnant all the time and never know they have a UU until they have a C-section, so why wouldn't this work?! BUT, the other part of my thoughts go a little something like this: It's probably not going to work. Rarely does it work on the first try, let alone with somebody who only has half a uterus! Don't get your hopes up because when it doesn't work out, you will be crushed! People with UU's don't do IUI because they know it won't work, they even struggle with getting IVF treatments to work.

I sound like a crazy person, I truly do. I want to believe with everything inside of me that this will work, that this is my saving grace! I pray every day that this IUI will be the one to get me nice and pregnant. That I will have a healthy pregnancy that will result in a happy and healthy baby who will go on to live a long happy and healthy life! I truly hope this is the case! I want this more than anything in the world! So for now, I will end this rant and try and get some work done. This two-week wait is as torturous as everyone says it is!