Confessions of a Face-stalker

Technology has been my friend throughout the years, but it has also made me into a crazy person. I couldn't even tell you how many hours I have spent on Google self-diagnosing or searching out anything and everything to do with fertility. Not only that, but I have to confess, I am a Facebook stalker. I creep on and through peoples profiles. I cannot help it, I have a need to be nosy! I don’t get nuts about people or anything, but I like to see what people have been up to, check out some photos and that pretty much sums it up. This has lead to this funk that I have been in recently. To back track, let me explain that my wonderful and supportive man D has very strong swimmers that have helped him in creating 4 separate humans with 4 different women. The first one is a boy who is now 12. The Mom ran off with another man when the boy was only 7 months old and has been with that man since. That guy has adopted him and knows nothing of D. The second of course, is little miss A. The little light in my life! The third is another boy, who is 5 and resides in Las Vegas. The mom and D split amicably while she was still pregnant. And the last little one is a little girl who is 3. His last relationship before me was with this woman who moved from Alaska, they dated briefly, she became pregnant, and wanted to move back to Alaska with D. He couldn't leave because of A, so the mom decided to put the baby up for adoption. She has since been adopted by a lovely couple. So now that the mechanics are out of the way, here is why I am in a funk:

These women, all different in personality and appearance, have one thing in common. A wonderful child who shares DNA with D. All of them carry these strong genes that make them resemble D with just a hint of the other person. This is a tough one for me. Knowing that each of these women so thoughtlessly and effortlessly just became pregnant. Continuing with my previous conversation, I tend to go on to Facebook and look at pics of these children. Wondering what their personalities are like, noticing all of the genetic traits D has passed off to them, and to see the similarities in likes/dislikes. All of these children, little pieces of D spread all over, creating life without any struggle. It is hard to think about these women who just fell into pregnancy and motherhood. The struggle I face seems so unfair, and it makes me so angry sometimes, but then I remind myself of where I am today, and how I am still able to try and still believe that I will be pregnant. I daydream of what our child will look like. No doubt, it will more than likely be a reflection of D with just a hint of myself, but I wonder if they will look like each other. I see hints of A within the little girl who was adopted. And in the older boy, he looks just like a miniature D. I also think about our children, and wonder if they will ever get the chance to know their siblings or even meet them. I loved knowing I had a brother out in the world, even though I have only started talking to him a year ago. It’s nice to know where you come from and what family you have out there! Who knows what the future holds….

I may sound crazy, but unless you have been down this road of infertility, you have no idea what it can do to your mind and body. This has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest thing I have done in my life! It is a rough road, and I know there is still work to be done, but hopefully soon, I can enjoy the spoils of motherhood and relish in the little life that we created!