In Need Of Some Hope

I can’t even begin to explain how broken-hearted I am at the moment. As I am trying this, my statistic has now been changed to TWO failed IUI’s. This hit me harder than last months. I didn't have too high of an expectation last time. I figured, rarely does anything happen on the first try. So I had a hint of optimism, but wasn't expecting anything to come from it. So when I started spotting the day before I was to test, it bummed me out, and I cried a bit, but it seemed easy to move on and get excited for round 2. This month was a completely different story. It just started off better overall. I had a bigger follicle on my left side, this month had very little stress attached to it, the tests all looked good, and we were even able to have some fun a few times after. I felt so good about it all. As I entered my TWW, I didn't really even focus on anything until last week. I was feeling pretty good, just a little crampy and sore boobs, which was new to this process. Inside, I was reeling with happiness, and I just felt pregnant. I became a little nervous on Sunday as that is when I started spotting last month. But a whole day came and went with nothing! I got up this morning, so eager to test. I ran to the bathroom, pulled out a FR and a CBE Digital. A whole five minutes later and my dreams were shattered! One fucking pink line and the heartbreaking ‘NOT PREGNANT’ is what I got instead! I couldn't even breathe. I was so fucking sure that it had worked this month. I just started sobbing. I cleaned up my mess, left the bathroom, and crawled back into bed with D. I was still sobbing and he asked if I was okay. He must have realized why I was crying, because he squeezed me tightly and told me I didn't need to say anything, and he was so sorry. That meant the world to me. I didn't feel so alone in this. I picked myself back up and continued with the rest of my day. I just feel so angry, confused, upset, frustrated, devastated and hopeless!  I cannot shake this crummy feeling. I just want to curl up and cry! I hate this roller coaster of emotions I am on, and I hate that I cannot seem to make this happen, no matter how hard I try! It is the single most frustrating thing I have ever done in my life! I get so close and it just gets ripped away! I know I am not the only woman in the world to go through this, but fuck, this sucks! It is so hard to not take this personally. You evaluate your life and choices and wonder if you had done things differently, would there be a different result?! Is there a reason why this is not happening for me? I just don’t get it!

So now, I am faced with IUI #3. All of eggs lay in one basket. You see, IUI’s are statistically successful within the first three, and if you are not successful after those three, it’s not very likely that IUI’s will work for you. My dr. told me that we will do this one more time, and if it doesn't work, then we will get together, and talk about other methods. Well, the only remaining method of somewhat natural conception would be IVF. Now if I made more than a typical middle class woman, this would not be a problem, sign me up! But I, along with millions, can barely afford a pedicure let alone a $15,000 procedure! So this seems to be my last shot. I am all out of money and options, and this is one of the worst feelings! 2 of 2 IUI’s failed, what are the chances of this one working?! This fucking sucks! Plain and simple! I cannot even leave this entry with a hopeful and cheesy one liner of how I can’t wait to try this again, because at this point in time, I feel like it is completely useless and utterly hopeless!