Crazy but nearly perfect!

Things have been a bit hectic lately, to say the least! I started a second job a few weeks ago to get some extra money to pay off some debt and to make some home improvements! So far so good, I am enjoying the job a lot…it’s outside and I have an incredible view as it is at Garden of the Gods, so I can’t really complain! I don’t know how quickly I am going to get burnt out on working 7 days a week, but my focus is on that money! D lost his job a few weeks ago, which was good and bad timing as I started my second job, so I was bummed thinking that extra money would go to supplement his loss, but he got approved for unemployment, and that helped out tremendously!  I am back to original plan with this money! I am getting anxious to finally finish my front yard! When I bought the house, the front yard was ransacked and all of the landscaping destroyed! I think that helped with the fact that I was able to get the house because of the fact it was much cheaper….but I am finally going to be able to get the front lawn done and landscaped this summer, so stoked! I am so happy with the random improvements I am making around the house with the help of my awesome mother. My bedroom is nearly complete as I have a new bathroom vanity, new bed set, nice TV, and blinds. I just need to paint and finish up my dressers and it will be perfect! Not only that, but we have the office painted and redecorated, and the upstairs living room looks amazing with the new rug and lamp. I had the unbelievable luck to have won a contest that gave me some great Target gift cards that helped me get a really terrific patio set that I am in love with! I have some great plans for the media room and the laundry room that I hope to tackle this summer as well. Should be fun!

Nothing new on the baby front….got my dr appt scheduled for June 10^th and will get a prescription for the meds and hopefully try in July. But we will see. Hard not to get excited, but also don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Taking it one day at a time, but being well prepared can’t hurt! Feeling excited and hopeful for the future. Things with D and his amazing daughter A are going so well! I love that little girl, she warms my heart and brings a smile to my face! I am smitten! It is seriously remarkable how much can change in a year! I remember this time last year struggling with the fact that I was actually divorced. And now, I cannot imagine my life any other way….I am beyond happy and so thankful that I am out of all of that and see now that life is much better this way! 

Life promotion

I have gone from woman to proxy mom in a little over a month! D and I have had his daughter, A, every weekend now, and while I absolutely love it and wouldn't change it, it has not been easy. She is a wonderful little girl, and a joy to be around, but the things she is going through in her life right now are having an effect on her. There is a lot of drama involving her mother and quite a bit of changes that she has coming at her. The biggest one is that her mom is heading off to jail for 30 days for some charges she had a while back. She is calling it a ‘vacation’ and tells A that she will have to stay at her grandma’s house while she is away. With her staying there, D and I will not be able to see her as there are some conflicts between them all. So not only will her mom be away for a month, but essentially, her dad will be to. That mixed with some of the things I have seen from her mom and the way there are living, they make me really sad for her. I am so thankful that we get to be part of that little girls life and bring in some joy and structure to her chaotic life. I have spent some time with S, her mom, and while I do like her and respect her as A’s mom, I feel like she is being irresponsible in the choices she is making and she can be a bit reckless in the way she chooses to deal with A. I really hope that this time in jail will help turn her life around. I want us to be there for A whenever she needs it and hopefully be a good example for S to follow.

On the other end of this, I think this has been such a refreshing change for D and I and has really helped us to learn and grow together. We have been getting along exceptionally well, taking time to really listen and understand each other, and really have something we connect and unite over. I love watching him in the dad role, my heart melts every time! He is so good with her and you can tell he loves the heck outta her! She has been a little blessing that not only brought us closer, brought more joy and love into our life, and helped us grow as a couple, but it showed us that we are truly ready to have one of our own. We have matured a lot in the last month and we now know that we can parent together, that we have the same morals and beliefs when it comes to raising children, and we know how to balance the life we had with the one we now have all while maintaining a healthy relationship. This has been a whirlwind but it has been absolutely amazing! Who knew that I could be this happy???!! If someone would have told me 2 years ago that this would be my life, I would have thought they were crazy! I thought for sure my life was over and I would never be happy or have a future that I would be ecstatic about, but boy was I wrong! We still have a lot of work to do to get where we want to be, but we are at a damn good start!

Weekend Bliss

This weekend was just absolutely wonderful, I would even say almost magical! D and I picked his daughter up around 630, picked up some pizza and went back to the house. We ate dinner, played some games, and then had a slumber party where we made chocolate chip cookies and watched The Little Mermaid in bed. We all passed out around 1030. The morning was one of my favorite parts….listening to D and his daughter A talking and then getting up and making breakfast, blissful! I had always envisioned this when I bought this house…little ones scattered around the house, hearing their little conversations, waking up to breakfast with the family, so cute! After breakfast, we all played a bit downstairs and made our way up to get ready for the day. Watching D get her ready and picking out an outfit was just adorable! While D was getting ready, I was fixing her hair and playing dentist on a game she was in love with. It just felt so surreal and so perfect. We all got ready and headed out to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade downtown. We had so much fun! Watching the parade with a kid adds such a different element to it, it was great! We watched the floats pass by, snacked on popcorn and caught a lot of goodies being tossed out. We ended our downtown afternoon with some lunch and a quick tour of my office where she met one of my best friends. It was fun getting to show off her cuteness. After that, we pretty much stayed in for the rest of the weekend playing games, watching movies, and doing chores. It really felt like I was playing mom. I was so busy and so exhausted, but it was a blast! I felt more than ever like I was truly ready for motherhood! And the most amazing part of it all was that D and I really clicked and worked well together when parenting. We had great communication and our styles were nearly the same. He really impressed me this weekend and got me super excited about our future together and ttc! He is such an amazing man, and I am madly in love with him! I never knew that I could be this happy with someone! I cannot wait to start trying with him….I think it would be absolutely amazing to have a child with him and have this cute little family with our little on and his adorable daughter. I don’t think I could picture it any better!

Ch Ch Ch Changes

Crazy how so many things can change in such a short amount of time. So last week, the baby mom reached out to D and they settled on this last weekend for them to get together. They were meeting at McDonalds, a neutral location, to eat breakfast, see his daughter, and then go back to her place to see where she lives and then home. D called me about 4 hours after their meet-up time and said that the baby mom, S, had to run errands and asked if D wanted her for the afternoon. He jumped at the chance and he ended up bringing her back to the house. It was the first time meeting his daughter and it was absolutely wonderful! I got to see him in such a different way, all fatherly and amazing! His daughter is so adorable, well mannered, very polite, and listens really well. She was such a joy to have around. My heart melted and everything just felt so magical. It really made me fall even more in love with D, he was just such a great dad and I loved seeing him take that role on! Really gave me insight and hope as to the kind of father he would be to our child….I am smitten! That weekend, I even met and hung out with S, and actually found her pretty cool! Their dynamic was interesting, but I also feel much more at ease after meeting them. There is always this thought in the back of your head that wonders if you just pushed him back into the arms of his ex. I mean they share a different bond that he and I do not share….it may be something stronger that pulls him from me, but after meeting her and understanding their relationship, I felt so much better! It was a really great weekend.

So this weekend we are getting his daughter Friday and Saturday night….a whole weekend with her. I am very excited but also equally as terrified. I am hoping everything goes well. We had her for 4 hours just us and it went great! This is a whole different ball game, and could go horribly wrong! I am trying to keep the faith that it will go great! His daughter and I get along well, but really, it’s not that hard to get along with a 5 year old! This will be a good test for us since we are thinking about ttc soon! I am sure I will have a ton of stories to report back! I still can’t get over how fast everything went and how far D has come! He is doing fantastic at work, working on his relationship with his daughter, and going to start working towards the license. I am very excited and optimistic!

On a side note, we are now approaching  the two week mark until two of my best friend’s get married and where I will have to see my ex-husband at the wedding. We had a pretty decent talk a few days ago that calmed my nerves a bit, but I am still not looking forward to seeing him, or more importantly, HER! Really would have loved to go the rest of my life never laying eyes on her, but since that is not an option, I am going to hold my head up high and know that I won! I have the great guy, the house, the amazing looking future, and she has him, my sloppy seconds! No greater revenge than that! It is sure to be an interesting few weeks!! Wish me luck!!!

Life is Wonderful

I bought these shirts at Old Navy a few months ago that say 'Life is Wonderful' and 'Hope Is All We Need' just so I can have some positive affirmation in my life to tear down all the negativity. I think they put some serious good juju in the air because things have been going fantastic! Today I am filled with so many emotions it’s unreal. This has been a really wonderful day. So about a month ago, D had this idea to leave a letter at his daughters great grandmothers house in another attempt to get back into her life. He told me about his plan and asked for my help. Together, we sat down, wrote a letter, and he decided last Saturday he was going to drop it off. I took him over there Saturday night, and while there looked like a bit of confusion as to which house it was, he finally found it. He checked his phone all day Sunday and all day Monday, and nothing. He was feeling doubtful, so he left his phone alone all day yesterday. Late last night, we headed up to bed and he glanced at his phone and discovered a missed call. He immediately called it back, and it was the great grandparents. They said the mom had tried to call earlier but was gone for the night. He hung up a bit disappointed that he missed the call. He jumped on the computer wondering if she reached out via Facebook, and much to his surprise, she did. They both apologized to each other, and agreed to leave the past in the past and move on. She expressed how she was doing this for their daughter, and that she should have who she wants in her life. Nothing major like dates or times where he gets to see her yet, but this is a HUGE step forward in the process! I was so unbelievably happy for both him and his daughter. He is such a wonderful man, and that adorable little girl deserves to have him in her life! Not only that, but this really helps solidify my feelings for this man and our future together. I always had such a big problem with this having no contact with his children. I am so passionate about children and hated that he just walked out of her life, it really bothered me. The more we talked about it, the more I understood, but still had issues with it. I really feel like we jumped over a major hurdle and it brings us closer together and makes me feel a million times better about us trying to start a family of our own. I just feel so hopeful and happy about our future together! I love this man so much! I never could have thought I would be this happy! I am so excited for us, and I thank God everyday that by some miracle, everything worked out the way it was supposed to!

Feeling ridiculous!

In a funk today, could blame it on the weather or how my day has gone, in any case, the need for this day to be over incessantly grows! Nothing too big, just a bunch of little things went off to create that snowball effect, and once is starts, good luck getting out of it! For me, I feel slighted when something goes wrong, like the universe hates me, no matter how small this something may be. Very emo and self-absorbed I know, but hey, gotta be honest here. So when that something happens, I then start to reflect on everything that has gone south in the last year and reflect on it as if I have been the target of all things bad. Typing this out, I am literally laughing at how pathetic I am….I mean half of this stuff is really first world problems and are pretty small on a scale of disasters! Yet I still insist on going down this path! I think I may be crazy! But that’s what happened today, one small thing that turned into 2 small things that snowballed its way down my path of broken dreams and despair! Haha! I actually think that writing about how ridiculous I get has pulled me slightly out of this funk! It’s funny what our psyche can do to us!

Well, now that all of that is out of the way, I should mention that VEGAS is in ONE WEEK! So looking forward to having a vacation where I can kick back, relax, get smashed, and create some fun memories with my love! Going to be a lot of fun! I’m actually surprised things came together and we are really going. Seemed kind of touch and go with everyone’s finances and schedules, but we are going! I think that is exactly what I need, to get out of this city and just have fun! When I get back, it is nothing but strict diet and exercise for me! My friend’s wedding is in 8 weeks! Need to lose at least 20 for it, gonna be hard, but I think I can do it! Will be the first time that my ex-husband and I will be in the same room together, hell, the first time that myself, my ex-husband, his whore, and my boyfriend will be in the same room together! Definitely not looking forward to that! This whole subject may be the cause of some serious anxiety and stress in my life! Excited to see two of my best friends get married, but can’t wait until it’s over!

After that…..BABY time! Getting excited for that too! Can’t wait to actually start trying again! Makes me nervous but also incredibly excited! D has now moved on to that exciting phase with me….we pass a cute little kid at the store and he looks at me with these sweet and loving eyes and tells me that he can’t wait to have a little one with me! Those moments are absolutely wonderful and fill me with such joy! People may think I am crazy, but everything just feels so right, it’s hard to explain! I am so ready for this! D also gets really cute when I start talking about random fertility facts or tips I read, which are a ton of them, but he seems to intrigued by all of this and incredibly supportive! I learned that eating a whole pineapple (Core and all) helps thicken the lining of the uterus for conception, and will help with part of my luteal phase defect….he said he would buy me all the pineapple I needed! He is super sweet and I am extremely lucky to have him in my life! So excited for the next few months, just got to make it through a few things first!

2014....My lucky year (I hope)

It’s officially 2014 and the start of a new year! It’s been so busy in the last few months I have barely had time to sit down and think let alone blog! The holiday season came and went but was actually pretty amazing! Just a short recap of the events:

Thanksgiving was held at my house with invitations sent out to those who didn’t have anywhere to go. Some friends of mine started it a few years back and I thought it was pretty cool so I decided to host this year not knowing that others did the same! It ended up being myself, D and my mom and D’s family. My mom and I did most of the food which was fun….I liked cooking a big dinner with my mom, felt like old times! People came, ate, played games, and created memories. Turned out to be great and a bit chaotic which lead to the decision that Christmas dinner would be low key and simple. We had a lot of holiday parties that we partook in that included a hockey game, a secret Santa party, a massive dinner, and fun gift drop-offs! I was super into the holiday spirit this year! We had a fun Ugly sweater party at work along with a ton of Christmas cookies and random gifts. It really made me fall in love with Christmas all over again! Christmas eve my mom and I played Santa and delivered gifts and then returned home to pick up D and do dinner out. We returned home and cuddled up watching A Christmas Story on repeat until about 10p when we decided to go look at lights. That is my family tradition….I think my mom was genius for coming up with something that exhausted the kids and allowed her to sleep in! We returned back home around midnight and did our gift exchange! We went to bed around 1 and woke up on Christmas at 10…HEAVEN! Made yummy muffins and sipped coffee while watching yet another round of A Christmas Story! It was wonderful and probably one of my favorite Christmas’s yet! New Years Eve was just as great! D and I decided to go out with some of his friends for NYE and do it up in style! We got all dressed up and went out on the town! We arranged a ride so no one had to drink and drive. It was great getting to sip some Jack and Ginger while dancing with my love on the dance floor not caring who was watching! It struck midnight and D scooped me up and we kissed our way into the new year with confetti and streamers flying all around! It was magical! I had so much fun!

Now that all the hoopla is over with and the excitement has died down, it’s now time to return to normal. New year brings new beginnings and I have so many great plans! Now with this being said, I am fully aware that as much as I plan, God always has his own set of plans, and nothing is ever for certain! So I am going into this with an open mind! D and I are going to Vegas with some friends in February, and I am super excited and very much looking forward to it! Can’t wait! After that, I think we are going to start TTC….again, this is if things go according to plan! Nothing in my life has gone according to plan, and I tried like hell to make it go, but it’s gone pretty well thus far, so I have faith. I know TTC with someone I have only known a year (9 days will be a year!!) sounds crazy, but it feels right. I rarely act on impulse, and this has been something in the works for a bit, but the timing just feels right! I really can’t wait to see what this year has in store…I’m sure it will be nothing short of chaotic, just hoping something good comes from it!