Under Pressure

Where there is a will, there is a way, or so I hear. This process has been nothing short of complicated! We had a wonderful few weeks, and then the fertility crap kicked in again! I started up a new round of Clomid, which went well as it usually does, but this time, something unexpected happened that threw everything off. I usually test starting CD9, which I did, but at CD11, which is when I got my 'high' reading last month. But this month, I immediately went from 'low' to a 'peak' reading. I was shocked, so not missing a beat, we tried that day. But something was telling me to check again. My monitor automatically kicks into computer mode when it detects a 'peak' and displays another peak the next day followed by a high and then back to low. Everything has to be perfectly timed. I rely on that monitor as to when I ovulate as I need to take the Crinone, If I take the Crinone before I actually ovulate, it cancels out ovulation and ruins everything! So I went to the store and picked up one of the ovulation predictor kits, which I had never used before, and much to my surprise, I actually did NOT ovulate. I actually ended up ovulating 4 days later. The stress among other factors contributed to lack of trying during that time. Frustrated and exhausted from the planning, we decided to explore other options. I Googled Reproductive Endocrinologists and it turns out that a new one opened up in my city a year ago. I called, and found out that to do an IUI is only $300. That is basically what I am paying each month to just try on our own, so I figured, lets see if this makes a difference and made an appointment for next week! D is totally on board and we seem to be just as excited as the other person that this may be the answer. So our consultation appointment will help us to understand the process and to hopefully set a date! I can't help but to feel positive and so hopeful! I feel this may be the answer. Many updates are to follow!

We not only had this news to celebrate about, but we also celebrated our 2 year anniversary! We decided to have a mini celebration weekend. We started off the day exchanging cards and kisses. When I got home from work, D had his adorable little girl A pretend to be a flower delivery girl and delivered to me these beautiful bouquet of pink roses and purple daisies! We went out to dinner at Red Lobster and had dessert at our city overlook! The next night, we took A bowling and played some arcade games, and we finished it off on Sunday with a movie date! Wonderful weekend with the love of my life! Feeling so incredibly blessed and overwhelmed with gratitude for this life I have been given! Cannot wait for the little adventures life takes us on!

New year, renewed hope

We have entered into 2015, a year filled with new beginnings and lots of exciting adventures in store! I am feeling incredibly hopeful this year, which is a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time! Over the last few years, I have gone through a transformation that changed my perception of life. Three years ago, I felt hopeful, content, and filled with ignorant bliss. I had no idea that things in life could happen to me. I had this false sense of security in my life, and felt untouchable to all the devastation and upsets that can happen to someone through the course of life. Why? I’m not exactly sure. I think we get caught up the day to day and we always look for the good in life to make the mundane seem worth it. But life happens. I was so shocked that I was the one that was cheated on. I was baffled that this happened to me, because I was so damn sure that it wouldn't, that he was such a wonderful man and treated me so well, that why would he ever hurt me like that. Well, like I said, life happens. I was cheated on, just like millions of other women and became a divorcee before the age of 30. Our 6 year marriage down the tubes! That changed my outlook on life, and put me into this realm of negativity. I walk around with this shroud of pessimism hanging over me, just waiting for these things to happen to me. It is much easier to prepare for them and expect them rather than to return to the optimistic person I used to be and get blindsided again. I now expect that every man, no matter how amazing they are to me, will cheat and destroy me. I think that to every good thing that happens in my life, bad things are sure to follow. But realistically, I cannot prepare for every scenario in life, and I have no clue what will happen in my future. I am sure there will be countless amazing and wonderful things that I will experience as well as a ton of horrible and devastating things as well. That is life. So this year, I am really trying to work towards changing that about myself. I want to take that shroud that has been holding me down and destroy it. I want to be that optimistic person that was full of hope and great expectations. Truth is, I have a pretty good life. By the grace of God, I am living this life, and I am enjoying every minute, even the terrible ones, because tomorrow is  a new day, another day I get to live on this earth and be surrounded by the love I have from my family and friends near and far. Here is to a new year, a new me, a new perspective, and new beginnings! 2015 will be the year to beat!

Negative but feeling Positive

Well, this cycle was a no-go. Honestly, I didn't really expect it to happen this month. It was the first month for everything, starting Clomid for the second time in my life, and starting Crinone for the very first time. Not only that, but it was a really odd time for D and I to get into a groove and this month was really about working out all the kinks. I knew that this would probably be a challenge for D as he is not used to this world of infertility. He has had children with other women who haven't had any problems, so he had no idea what he was in for. The biggest challenge for him was the whole structure of this, or more frankly, the scheduled baby making. He is not used to putting himself in the mood on command. And as much as I would love for him to be that kind of person and to understand the necessity of doing it on the days that I ovulate, it has been one of the biggest struggles of this month. I think that this month will be a whole lot better since he now understands this situation a bit better and has an understanding of how expensive this is and he is taking it more serious. I really feel good about this next month.....this could be the month!

This month didn't leave me empty-handed however. I know that the Clomid is the correct dosage and I did in fact ovulate, which was a huge concern. I learned how to successfully take Corinne, which was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, and I also learned a valuable lesion on the extreme side effect that came from Crinone, which  mimic pregnancy symptoms. I had slight cramping with a full feeling in my lower abdomen, extremely sore breasts and nipples and a slight enlargement in my breasts. I felt fatigue as well as frequent urination. So I pretty much learned that the only real sign of pregnancy that I am going to experience is a BFP! So while I didn't achieve that BFP this month, I actually feel like this month was how it was supposed to be. A month of trial, error, knowledge and a test of my emotions. I am a better place with all of this, and I was actually incredibly surprised at how well I was able to get through this compared to years past. Maybe my maturity played a part in this, or perhaps it was having D's daughter around to help ease the pain. Either way, I feel really good about this. I very much feel like this is the perfect time to try and I don't think I have ever felt this happy or hopeful! For now, I will wait to get that lovely AF and start over again, and will be back with updates soon!

Ovulated, and it feels so good!

It worked! The clomid has officially worked! And how do I know this? My Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor displayed that lovely little egg emblem that I have longed to see again! I OVULATED! This may be an easy feat for most, but ovulating does not come easy to me. I have low progesterone as well as a luteal phase defect which required me to be on Clomid to help with the ovulation and Crinone to help with the LPD. It has been about 3 years since the last time I took Clomid and have been really nervous about how effective it would be on my body this time around. This is my 1^st cycle using it, and much to my surprise and enjoyment, I got that lovely ‘Peak Fertility’ that I have been dreaming about! It felt so unbelievably good just to see that little egg staring at me, I could almost see it grinning!

I leaped out of the bathroom with my ear to ear smile and showed D! He smiled nearly as big as me and said ‘Congrats!’ and we both started to tear up a little. We are emotional freaks! Now we are on to a few more days of fun before I start Crinone and keep our fingers crossed and prayers flying while we do the dreaded two week wait! Not looking forward to those, but if it gets me closer, if not all the way to that little pink plus sign, it is all worth it! Still shocked that I am writing about this again, feels unreal! Life is amazing! We had a conversation at lunch today about things in our past we would do-over or erase. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have given you a list a mile long, nearly all of them having to do with my ex-husband, but now, I am living this life that is filled with love and happiness far above what I imagined, and it is all because of the things that have happened in my life thus far. So no, I wouldn't change or erase a thing. Every bit of pain was worth it! So now I will get back to work with my ear to ear smile and enjoy the blissful feeling of knowing that I am on the right path, and I have ovulated!

Phase one, complete!

We are officially at the baby making stage, which I must say, is the best stage of all! I ended the first round of Clomid on Friday. For the most part, it went pretty well. Only had minimal side effects from the Clomid which included light cramping, dizziness, irritability, and a small headache. Pretty much symptoms of a period, an easy trade-off if you ask me! I also started testing on my Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor on Friday and got my first official ‘High Fertility’ bar yesterday. I am pretty sure I would have had it Sunday, but I overslept and missed my testing window. I am super excited to see that it at least registered with High, now I am patiently waiting to see that lovely little egg symbol on my monitor to tell me that I am in ‘Peak Fertility’ territory, and that will let me know that the Clomid took and I can start the Crinone Gel, which I am so not looking forward to taking! I hear very mixed reviews, but it just doesn’t seem like it is going to be the highlight of this journey. So my window of opportunity for D and I to try would be now through the weekend. I don’t want there to be any stress for D, as I know he has a lot of responsibility and I can sense that the pressure may get to him. He has been  so wonderful about all of this, and we have been able to talk openly about everything and make some jokes about schedules and such. I am so in love with this man and this whole process with D has been great! The positivity and encouragement that he provides lets me know that this was absolutely the right time! I am looking forward to this next week! I am going to keep my fingers crossed, pray, and stay positive as I impatiently wait for the results!

And off we go!

Day one…….day one of this miraculous mission. Today is the day I took my first pill! The feeling this morning was blissful with a hint of disbelief. I honestly never thought I would be back at this place in my life, on the road to creating life. Not only did I meet someone who turned out to be nothing short of amazing, but he wants to have children with me. Two years ago, I felt hopeless, defeated, broken and lost all sense of hope. The man who was supposed to share his life with mine until death do us part devastated me and I had to watch as all of those hopes and dreams came crashing down. I had no confidence or self esteem and assumed that my life could and would never be as good as it was. I lost everything. Fast forward to today……I am with the love of my life, I have this wonderful little girl in my life that makes everything brighter, and now we are trying for kids of our own. It’s laughable that all of those thoughts even crossed my mind! I have someone who loves and respects me, not the man who took vows that meant nothing. My life is much, much better off without him! 

So here I am, starting this journey all over again, with even much more hope than ever before, but with the same amount of fear; fear that all of this won’t work. I feel ready, really ready for this journey into motherhood. I know it will be emotional, as I am not really expecting my first month to work, but I feel in my heart that I will hold my child, our child, in my arms very soon! I am taking this one day and one pill at a time! Here’s to Clomid, cheers to the baby making! 

One Day in Bearadise

This weekend was just absolutely magical. I celebrated my 30^th birthday, and what I thought was going to be a tough one turned out to be the best one of my life! I took the day off work and had a fun filled day. It started off with some yummy donuts and presents in a fully decorated house courtesy of my mother and D. We enjoyed the morning together before my mother and I got ready and spent the afternoon shopping. Lunch at Ted’s Montana Grill was incredible and I indulged in a lot of my freebies! I got back home around 4 where I got packed for a weekend at a cabin with D and his sister and friends. It was this breathtaking cabin just outside of Woodland Park aptly named ‘Bearadise’ as it was purely paradise. It has 4 private bedrooms, a hot tub, air hockey table, tons of games and entertainment areas and the blissful atmosphere that put us all at ease. We arrived at this beauty a few minutes ahead of D’s sister and when we entered, it was decked out in decoration and some bottles of wine to help ease the pain of turning 30 :) We toasted with some wine to celebrate the start of what was sure to be a lovely weekend! About 3 hours into our mini stay-cation, D took me downstairs to our room and we basked in our newly found privacy. We shared this wonderful moment that really made me feel like I was in the presence of true love. He told me to sit tight and he would be right back. He was gone for a few minutes and returned telling me to close my eyes. I did so, and opened them a minute later to him kneeling before me with a mini hat box. He told me that he had one last gift for me. He wanted me to know that this isn’t just some fleeting thing for him, he was in it for the long haul. He loves me and wants a future with me. He told me to open the box. Inside this beautiful box contained 2 baby pacifiers to which he said, ‘I hope he or she enjoys them! I want a baby with you!’ And the tears poured out! I scooped him up in my arms and cried tears of pure joy! Never have I felt so loved and so happy in my life! It was truly the most amazing gift! 

So that was our sign, that was the start of our baby journey! The rest of the weekend was spent enjoying each other and taking advantage of these baby free moments for as long as we have them! I simply cannot wait! And if that’s not enough of a sign, a friend of mine gave me a Kokopelli (God of Fertility) bookmark on Sunday at my birthday dinner. She didn’t even know about my gift from D. She just told me she saw it and something told her to get it for me! :) I am ready for this journey, it absolutely feels right!