Four Letter Word

In true fashion, nothing ever goes how I hoped it would. Fuck! That is all I can come up with to sum up my day! FUCK! I had a fabulous trip to Arizona to celebrate my grandmothers 80^th birthday. My mom, D and A accompanied me to the little getaway. We got down there, spent some well needed time with my family, had a wonderful dinner and just hung out the rest of the time. We arrived on Friday evening and left to come back home yesterday. I took today off of work so I could recover and get some cleaning and laundry done. I took A to school and dropped D off at work. I needed to make a grocery store run, so I stopped this morning to pick a few things up. I had been driving myself crazy thinking about if I was pregnant or not. I was feeling normal other than my breasts were sore, but for the most part I was feeling normal, except for yesterday. I started having a few cramps that felt like period cramps. I also had a full feeling in my lower abdomen. I started to worry that I was getting my period and became really doubtful. As I woke up this morning, I felt pretty normal. So, when I was at the store today, I picked up 3 different types of tests to take tomorrow. But then, I thought that it would be such a cute idea to take the test and if it was for sure positive, I would go get a cute onesie to surprise D with, so, I came home to take the tests. That was my first mistake, actually believing they would be positive. Just like every other time in my life, nothing but negative results crushing my dreams. I had never felt so betrayed and so hurt. I thought for sure that this would be it. I just knew I was going to be pregnant. FUCK! This feeling of failure, agony, sadness, longing, disappointment, frustration, depression, emptiness, and hatred has taken over today. I can’t keep it together. I have my friends telling me to hang in there, and they are sad for me, and showing me nothing but love and support. I have my wonderful love telling me not to give up, that even though we didn’t make it happen this month, we will make it happen. Then, my mom chimes in with the popular, I hope you are okay if it never happens, you may not be one of those who can have babies….thanks mom. I am trying my best to stay positive, hope for the best, and keep trying, but this is wearing me down. I don’t know how many more failures I can take. I feel like I am breaking. I am bummed I couldn’t come back here with some amazing and happy news, but this is not the end, I will keep fighting, and I will be a mom! FUCK!