Weathering the storm!

Not gonna lie, yesterday was a hard day! All week last week, I kept checking in anticipation for my period to start so I could start the process for IUI. Finally, on Sunday, Aunt Flow arrived just on time! This was the first time I was actually excited for it to come! I darted out of the bathroom grinning! I told D why I couldn’t stop smiling and he joined right in with me. It was official, we are on our way to the land of insemination! Yesterday morning, I called my doctor to set up the CD2/3 ultrasound for precautionary reasons to check that all looks okay, make sure I am not currently pregnant, and to get a full timeline for this month. They had a 9am, so I took it. Called my boss and was able to go in afterwards rather than driving to work just to turn back around and head to the doctors. I sat in the parking lot for a half an hour just listening to music and planning the dates in my head growing more anxious by the minute. It was finally time to go in! I jumped in the elevator and made my way towards the office. I did the usual workup and went to the examination room. My doctor came in, we briefly talked about why she is doing the ultrasound, talked about when to take the Letrozole, and then she began. Much to our surprise, I have developed a cyst on the left side of my ovaries. It is roughly 3 cm and decided to fuck up my day! Here I was, everything planned out in my head, FINALLY ready to get the show on the road, and then THIS! I was crushed! Tears filled my eyes as I laid there in disbelief of what was on the monitor. Because it is on my left side, the side she wants to use, and the fact that the Letrozle aids in the growth of these, my IUI was canceled. These things are completely normal and pretty common from what I have read. They typically hang around a cycle or two and the go away. I had an ultrasound the end of January, but it had not been checked since. So this cyst, this pain in my fucking ass, could either be on its way out, or it could be hanging around uninvited for the next few months! Unfuckingbelivable! I still haven’t quite sorted my feelings out on this! The very month we are to start this, and I have this lovely little cyst, smirking at me, saying ‘NOPE’, right in my face! It is so hard not to feel like this is an attack, like an intentional slap to the face. I tried so hard staying positive and turning it around yesterday, but it was so hard. So now, we wait! AGAIN! I have another wonderful 30 days of torture before we get to see if this little bastard packed his bags and hit the road, or if he is loafing off my ovary for another month! Praying every day that this goes away and I get to try again next month!

Last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and as I watched a few videos from a channel I subscribe to, I heard something I feel in love with. ‘Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse, is just like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.” This is something that I constantly battle with, especially yesterday. I was so incredibly sad, and a little angry. And I kept telling myself, it could have been worse. I could have an irreversible condition that leaves me totally infertile. It could be worse. Well, yes, it could be, but it also could be better. What happened yesterday was devastating to me, and I was sad. I absolutely had the right to be sad and cry and feel a little sorry for myself. And then move on. Anyone with infertility has the right to feel how they feel. No matter what you have that causes your infertility, it just plain sucks and you have the right to feel sad! You also have the right to feel happy. Anyone who has suffered through infertility and has made it through the light at the end of the tunnel with their bundle of joy has the right to be happy without feeling any guilt! Guilt is one of the strongest emotions I have felt through all of this. Guilt for having infertility in the first place, like somehow, I could have prevented this. Guilt for getting upset at something that still allows me the chance to conceive. I did something I didn’t think I would do last night. I took to my Facebook to release some of the guilt and frustration I had been feeling. This is what I posted:


So last week was National Infertility Awareness week, and I was going to post something about it, but i found myself feeling completely embarrassed that people would know that I suffer from infertility. For me personally, it makes me feel inferior as a woman, a failure, and like I am to blame for this. But the truth is, I am not. Infertility is just like any other illness out there, it doesn't chose based on looks, life choices or circumstance; it attacks with no rhyme or reason. This has been one of the hardest things I have gone through in my entire life, it is almost all consuming. It's typically discovered because you are unsuccessfully trying to have a baby and seek medical assistance. At that point, you already have a strong desire in your heart for this child. This is something I struggle with everyday and I am fighting the good fight! I decided to write this today because it was something that was in my heart and I didn't want to feel all of that guilt for having infertility or have it be something I was hiding. For anyone who is struggling with infertility, you are not alone and it is not your fault!

So anyone out there who may be reading this, I want you to know that you are not alone! Nobody can understand what we are going through except for those of us who are weathering this storm! It too shall pass!