Here we go again...

I needed to vent today….not sure where to start! Things with D were going well…we have had such an amazing time getting to know each other and build on our relationship, and really getting to connect. It was incredible, and I feel more for him every day. And then I went on vacation. I went to visit my family and he stayed at the house to pet/house it. I was gone for 5 days, and I really missed him each and every day. On our way back, as we were getting closer and closer, I was getting anxious and excited to throw my arms around him and cover him in kisses. And as soon as I got to the house, that is what happened, and it was short lived. Within an hour, he started talking about a video game he wanted to finish, and I was crushed. Here I am, gone for 5 days and back for an hour, and he wants to play a game! I gave attitude and showed that I was devastated. We ended up working through it fairly quickly. Throughout the night and into the next few days, there was a myriad of problems that kept us at each other’s throats. Last night’s fight was the one that hit rock bottom. We argued and said some pretty mean things and left both of us questioning this relationship. We cooled down enough to say goodnight. This morning, D’s alarm went off and woke me up from an awful dream in which he basically ditched me and an event to reconnect with an ex-girlfriend. He ended up telling me he didn’t love me and that he wanted to be with her. It jumped ahead to a year later and I was doing a play. At the end of the performance, I looked in the audience and saw the ex-girlfriend but no D, so I shot her a dirty look. She motioned to the other side of the room where he was as he made his way back to his seat. As he sat down, he linked arms with her and his 2 kids and one they had together joined them. It was devastating and heartbreaking. I woke up feeling incredibly sad. I ran downstairs to tell him, hoping he would cheer me up. When I told him about the dream, he just said it was interesting. When I asked him if he still wanted this relationship, he said he wasn’t sure. It really crushed me. I have really fallen for this guy, and I was starting to see us having a future together, and he is now unsure. I have just been in a funk all day over it. Thinking about it ending tears me up, but I know that if I can get through a divorce, I can get through anything! I hope that we can work out our issues and make this work, I really do. Just frustrates me that he can so casually talk about it like that. Really makes me wonder what it is about me that makes it so easy for men to hurt me or leave me! I just want to be happy! I want to know that someday, I will have a great life and will be as close to happy as I can get. Give me a man who is loyal, honest, kind, compassionate, and loving and a child and I am a happy camper. It just seems like a nearly impossible task to have any of it. I thought I was on the track to being happy, to having everything that mattered, and it was ripped away. I hate starting over. I just want to know that I am making the right choices in my life. I get so confused sometimes, that I really wonder if I even know what I truly want. The other thing making this frustrating is my mother living with me. I appreciate all she does, but I am so tired of the lack of privacy and feeling like I am a teenager playing pretend. I can’t please everyone, and at this point, I just want to please myself! I really need to start giving it to God again…he did far better with these things than I am, and I need help! I need to feel like myself again, get my life figured out, and hope and pray it works out for the best! I can’t wait to go see my bestie in a week….it will take my mind off everything and give us a bit more time and space to figure things out!