It Starts.....

I keep thinking of the old school Super Nintendo Lion King video game. The intro music is so epic, and when you select “new game”, Timon appears on the screen and announces, “It Starts”. You just know you are going to be in for a real experience, and you are filled with curiosity and delight, well, at least I was anyway! That is exactly how I am feeling at this moment, very nostalgic but experiencing that same feeling of excitement, waiting for anything and everything that will happen during this journey!

As you can tell from my over dramatic intro, I am officially on the path for IVF. I had my scan a few weeks ago, and everything looked great, even the cyst that I had on my right ovary, that was thought to have been an issue, is gone. I am officially 30 pounds down, which was my goal a few months ago! I am feeling pretty good! I started birth control (sounds crazy, but it is part of the cycle) a few weeks ago, but life had been a bit crazy and I completely spaced that I was supposed to stop taking it last Monday, and I took it all through that week. I felt like a moron, but thankfully, it didn’t get too messed up. I only had to take it for 4 more days, and start my injections a week later than was planned. So far, I am on track to start those this Friday. After a few weeks on injections, I move to the egg retrieval, then hopefully the transfer, and God willing, a pregnancy! AHHH! It feels so insane to be this close to being pregnant. I am so nervous, but feeling hopeful! Please, whoever is reading this, send lots of prayers and happy thoughts my way, I could use them all!!

That is pretty much it for now, but I will be back with more updates soon!

Horizon

Exactly 24 hours from now, I will be at my doctor’s office getting my cycle day 3 scan. This is not like any scan I have had before, because, if all goes well, I will be jumping on the journey of IVF. I reflect on everything that has happened that has led me to this point. It was not easy, and to say that I wouldn’t change anything is a complete lie. I would change a lot quite honestly! But, I am where I am today, and I am happy with that!

For the last few months I have been on a whole other journey in itself; A journey for self-betterment. I started attending counseling, which has been fabulous. But I still felt like something was missing, so, I started going back to church. Not only that, but the whole family has been going, and that has truly been a wonderful and fulfilling experience. Seeing how much A has truly enjoyed it and been so excited to learn is heartwarming. That was definite food for the soul and has given me such peace about all of this. And one of the last things I have done for myself was getting me healthy. With the help of my family and bestie, I have done a few diet challenges and started going back to the gym. I have successfully lost 25 pounds as of today. I am 5 pounds away from my goal weight loss of 30, and will hopefully achieve that before my actual IVF.

I am filled with lots of emotions and lots of thoughts as anyone would be in my situation. I am feeling incredibly hopeful but equally nervous. I truly believe that God has this and I have to trust in his plan for me, even if it isn’t what I want. That is the hardest part right there. I will keep doing everything I can on my end to help things along, but I know He has this. I will gladly accept any prayers or happy thoughts for anyone reading this, because it can only help things out, right?! :)

I look forward to updating this blog on my IVF journey, and with God’s blessing, the journey of Motherhood.

Lost But Not Forgotten

Holy updates Batman! It has been quite a while since the last time I sat down to write an entry. I took a look back at the last post I made, and got hit hard with this pang of sadness. I felt so optimistic and hopeful, and to look back on that and compare with where I am today….that was rough!

In these last few months, I learned a very valuable yet devastating lesson….if you are gifted with something, don’t take it for granted. D had a fantastic job with INCREDIBLE benefits, but I kept putting off my treatments until the “perfect time”. We got his benefits in October, and I figured that I would lose weight and start treatments in the New Year. I had an appointment in January and decided to do one more IUI before jumping straight to IVF. I was set to do it in March but my Grandma needed a heart valve replacement and I felt like attending her surgery was far more important than starting an IUI, and I still feel that way today! I went in early April to do my 5^th IUI, and the day I left the doctor’s office with my meds in hand, we found out D lost his job! We had his insurance through the month, but after that, we were SOL. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. I get so angry at myself for just sitting and waiting, taking that glorious gift for granted. If you are ever in that situation, don’t wait, just do it!

Finding out that my 5^th IUI failed brought on massive depression. I felt hopeless and totally lost. When I started this journey, there were several options available, and as time went on, the options were fewer and fewer. The only thing left is an IVF that is so far away from obtainable as one can get. Staring your worst fear in the face is awful. Having to hear your inner-self say the words “I may never have my own biological child” was something in my nightmares, and now, it was real. I sat down one day, went through a ton of options and felt down. Saving is something that is possible, and probably the best way to go, if I wasn’t already 32 nearing 33. To save that kind of money would take me time that I don’t really have. I heard about a fertility financing company though my doctor and gave them a call. The interest rates alone were terrifying, let alone all of the other terms. But, I paid the $75 on refundable fee to apply, and was quickly denied. I was crushed! Back to the drawing board!

A few days later, I called my bank to see I could get a personal loan. I filled out the app, and was called a few hours later with a counter offer that was 1/3 of what I needed. I broke down, and that is when the lovely gentleman on the other line offered me a different solution. A HELOC or Home Equity Line of Credit. It was a loan of a percentage of the equity in your home that had reasonable terms and conditions and a very nice low interest rate. It seemed wonderful. I applied and was approved! A nice little lump sum now sits in my bank account awaiting my IVF. I have an appointment August 2^nd to plan for my very first, and hopefully ONLY IVF. To anyone who may be reading this, please send out lots of happy thoughts and wishes, I desperately need them. I literally have all of my eggs in one basket!

Now that I have that part of my life back on a plan, I decided to fix what I could to make myself happy again. I sought out a therapist and started seeing her regularly. I have started to attend church again, and making my way back to the gym. I will do anything and everything I can to be in the best possible place mentally and physically as I can for this IVF.

I am starting to feel hopeful again and not so lost. It takes time and lots of effort, but I am getting there! Life has been super stressful over the last 7 months, and I have had some very down moments, but looking at how things are compared to what they could have been, makes me very grateful! I am leaving this post today with a heart that is mending starting to let the light back in. Love to you all!

Happy 2017 Friends!!

Hello good ol’ blog! Been a while good friend! So….Happy 2017 to start! It is so crazy thinking about how fast the year flew by! Taking a moment to reflect on 2016….it was a decent year. There we some huge changes and quite a few disappointments, but all in all, it was good. The worst moments of the year were by far my failed IUI’s and the slew of medical bills that followed. Feeling that kind of failure and depression was like anything I had experienced. I was so thankful to have tons of love and support to help me through all of it. The best moments of 2016 had to be all of the time spent with my family and friends. Really getting to spend good quality time with everyone, and making so many great memories with my love and step daughter. I had plenty of wonderful moments to drown out the bad. But, as we say every year….Here is to a better year! Let’s hope 2017 is the best year yet!

Going back and re-reading my last post was so interesting. I could feel the positivity flowing from it, and it is carrying over to this one for sure! Last time I updated, I had given a presentation about hopefully changing our fertility policy to include comprehensive fertility benefits. Well, like most things this last year, I was let down. It would have cost an increase of 1% and I guess that was too much. I mean, I kind of get it. Our company is composed mainly men, and women who have grown children or are out of their child bearing years. To ask something like this didn't make much sense to the majority, but I am still proud of myself for asking. You never know unless you ask.

On the other side of this, we got some amazing news! D’s company sent him a letter saying he was eligible to sign up for their benefits. He brought home the information and I flipped right to the good stuff. His company pays for IUI’s and IVF up to $25,000! We could not stop crying! This just opened up the door for us to have a fighting chance at having our baby. I filled out the forms, got ourselves enrolled, and I am not on comprehensive fertility benefits! I cannot believe that this happened! It was truly a gift from God! Our plan for the new year is to start again with an IUI and if that doesn't work, we will start on IVF. I feel so good about this and hope and pray with everything I have that I finally get to experience being pregnant, having a baby, and being a Mom.

On top of all of this good news, I decided to try a little something adventurous in my life. Well, nothing too crazy, I ain't that adventurous! I started a YouTube channel. I had been obsessed with YouTube the past few years, and it always looked like so much fun! I bought a camera, some editing software, and launched my channel in October. I have had sooooo much fun with it! I do everything from beauty reviews, un-boxings, crafts and baking tutorials, chat about life and have fun! Hoping to possibly do a side channel that is just for fertility, but we will see.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLUUdBBczEakx523Qz74vJA

There are so many great things on the horizon and I am beyond excited to see what this year holds! I promise to update more regularly! I hope whomever reads this has an amazing new year! We all deserve it! Lots of love and hope to all!

Feeling Good!

Just finished reading the last blog I posted, and wow, my mood has completely changed. I was definitely going through a funk a while ago. I am happy to say, I am out of that! The last month or so has been crazy busy. D changed jobs, and this one sounds wonderful, and I am hoping works out for him. He really deserves to have a job that appreciates who he is and showcases his potential. D’s daughter A has been doing rehearsals for a play about 2 to 3 times per week. We are a busy family! A’s mom, who is probably my least favorite person in the world, has been messing up so much that she is pretty much ensuring that she remains an every-other weekend Mom.This summer has kept me very busy! And I am sure the school season will be nothing less than busy. I volunteered to be a Brownie leader for A’s troop. I am super excited to take this on as I have loved teaching for such a long time, but the jump in pay is pretty massive, so it is nice to be able to keep my current job and teach at the same time!

Speaking of jobs….the reason I wanted to make a post was something that I did that I am quite proud of. A few months ago, we had these employee survey’s that came out that were to measure our thoughts of being an employee at my company. At the end of the survey was a box that was to be used for suggestions on what we thought would make the company better. Something told me to put a specific suggestion in the box, so I did. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted my suggestion to be more than just that, more than just a small comment on a survey. So, I did some research, created a whole presentation, and took it to my GM. I wanted to ask my company to consider adding Comprehensive Fertility Benefits to our benefits package. Much to my surprise, he thought it was a great idea and let me send it to our corporate HR representative for consideration. About an hour or so after I sent it to her, I got a call. She thought it was great and told me she just put in a request to the insurance company to see what it would cost. I was thrilled! It doesn't mean it will for sure happen, but just to have it considered is HUGE! Not only could it change my life, but it could potentially change the life of many others! So I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed and saying tons of prayers that this is more than a consideration, that we get a real change!

All in all, there have been many positive changes going on. I am even more excited than ever to see what the future holds! Remaining positive and hopeful! Much love and here’s to more good news coming your way!

Turning The Frown Upside Down

Hello Blog! Been a while since I have created one of you! Wasn’t really sure if I should write since nothing new has happened in the baby making process. I started my weight loss journey a little over 2 months ago, and I am currently at a standstill. I did really good for the first 3 weeks. I lost 12 pounds and was going to the gym between 3-4 days a week. I even tried Zumba for the first time! And then, I had a bad week of stress with my Grandma, and then the kiddo broke her ankle, and it has just been rough making myself go back to the gym! I have been able to maintain my 12 pound loss, so I am happy about that, but I am still so far from where I need to be. I was hoping by September I could try again, but now, I am not so sure.

Over the last few months, I have been facing depression, anger, and sadness hard core. I have really tried getting myself out of that space, but there are days where I can’t help but to give into the overwhelming emotions.

One of the things getting me down was my Grandma. I am so close with my Grandma, but unfortunately, she lives in Arizona. She was in the hospital about a  month ago for Pneumonia and a heart condition. She has since been released, and was doing better, except for the news she received from her doctor just recently. She really has no body to take care of her, and she lives alone. I am so worried about her and hate thinking that something could happen to her. I would be seriously crushed if I ever lost her. The family that lives near her, that was supposed to help her and take care of her, did the exact opposite. They used her, and stole from her. It is hard to hate the family that you once loved. I see them and I see nothing but selfish and disgusting people. They are the type of people who can do something like that, and then turn around and ask you for a favor. They use and abuse and it will never change!

Next on my list, A’s mom. Raising D’s daughter for the last year on our own has been a challenge. I love her so much and I have enjoyed so much of it, but it hasn’t been easy. A’s mom is an alcoholic who has a child abuse charge. She is currently sober (because of her probation) and took D to court for custody. We were all geared up for the trial, complete with a  full envelope of evidence to blow away any excuse she had why we were not competent and she was. Ten minutes before court, she appears with an attorney she hired two days prior. Because I was testifying, they sequestered me, or kept me away until my turn on the stand. As I entered, I saw D just looking devastated. I took the stand and was totally railroaded by her lawyer. Despite everything we had, the mom ended up with Saturday visitation, and two months from the first visitation, she was allowed overnights. D and I both agreed that where she is currently living and with whom, it was not a great idea for her to have overnights. So, we sought out an attorney of our own, and hired her. Turns out, among all of the chaos in the court room, we didn’t actually show our evidence. We filed it, but didn’t do the motion of presenting it into court. Not only that, but reading the transcripts from court, and the parts I missed, she actually lied on the stand. She said we only let her see her daughter one time in a year! That was completely false. We took her to see her mom at least 20 times in the last year. Not only that, but we made every effort to accommodate visits with her mom. It made me so angry! Angry that she could lie like that. Angry that she took all of our effort and kindness and threw it away. Angry that she got away with it! Since then, I have received messages about how I am nothing to A, how I have no business being in her life, and how terrible of a person I am. It makes me angry that I even tried at all. But then, I think about A, and I think about how important it is to show her to do the right thing, even if your efforts are for not. The person you are matters more than the outcome! I regret nothing!

The last thing on my list ties into the first two. I am tired. Just plain exhausted. I am sick of doing everything I possibly can and ending up stuck in the same rut! I am so tired of spending money on things when it doesn’t seem to matter. I have bill after bill from fertility treatments that never worked, adding insult to injury! It is a terrible feeling and a reminder that I failed! I hate looking around and seeing all of the pregnancies that I cannot seem to have. All I want is to be a Mom. I want to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a happy and wonderful child. Why does it seem so damn hard?! People lied. Having kids is not nearly as expensive as trying to make them! I hope that I can look back and say that this was all worth it! Right now, it feels like that possibility is getting further and further away.

Enough with all of the depressing banter. I am picking myself up and moving on. I am done feeling depressed, feeling angry, feeling sad. I need to get myself together and start thinking positively. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. But for now, I will slap a smile on my face, turn on some music, and distract myself with work! Deep breath, and……GO!

Trying Something New!

It’s been a while, nothing much has changed, but at least I am in better spirits. In the last month, I have had a lot of ups and downs, a lot of anger, depression, sadness, and confusion. It has taken a while to sort that out and come up with a  reasonable plan of action. First on the list was a trip to my doctors. I had my appointment on Wednesday for a consultation. She met me with kindness and understanding and some empathy. It made me feel nice and comforted. She asked me what I would like to do from here. I told her that I didn’t think IVF was something I could pull off right now. D has a new and better paying job, so maybe somewhere in the near future it could be an option, but not right now. I told her that if she thought it was worth a try, we could try another cycle or two with injectables and IUI. We both agreed that would be our course of action, but with a few modifications. She said that she thinks if I lost some weight, it might have a better overall chance of taking. We had a nice discussion about weight and its effects on fertility. It put things into perspective and gave me the drive and motivation I needed. So, my goal is to lose 50 pounds within 6 months. That, paired with some supplements and healthy eating are the new things we are going to try. So I will be taking time off from this journey to start a new health and fitness journey. I am kind of looking forward to it. Not only will I be healthier, but I can get new clothes, feel better about myself, and take a break from the craziness of trying to conceive. Both physically and mentally, this is what I needed. And I couldn’t be happier. I look forward to this journey, and I look forward to trying again soon. I think I will be in a better overall place and I already feel more hopeful. Things are starting to look up and not feel so chaotic. The smile is slowly returning to my face! :)